maple leaves.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

http://aliveandyoung.blogspot.com/2008/06/eternal-longings.html#links

it sounds very much like me lately haha. and i cant really help but agree 95% with it.

"One would suspect that running from one distraction to another would lead us to question why we do such things. The constant filling of the self with finite things and still being left unsatisfied should, if we every stopped to ask "why?", hopefully lead us to the conclusion that an eternal longing can only be fulfilled by something (or someone) who is also eternal."

motivation
discipline
on towards the last 2 terms having to wear uniform to school! whoo. and renew myself to someone who will stop pissing myself off. and remain calm & level headed no matter what the situation. OK.
school starts in less than 12hours whoo! so eggciting. omg. ._.

`10:05 PM__;

Thursday, June 19, 2008

i am amused!
for i have just realised how the lack of sleep could lead me into doing so many crazy things such as what i said in my prev entry. cos right now I FEEL COMPLETELY OPPOSITE!

on the 18th of june, i woke up, feeling quite energised, stressed and on the verge of crying. and i went to sch for econs, came home and slept from 4-730pm and i've been awake since.

and i went abit cranky telling the whole world how agitated and stressed i am for no reason and yet feeling so confused on why and how i could possibly feel this way cos it seemed uncontrollable. and now, i dont feel agitated/as stressed anymore.
i feel very calm and happy! AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
from 11pm-12am, i webcammed with my p4 best friend brendachong whos in aussie and it was very heartwarming. and i shall use no other adjective to describe it.
but i webcammed with her cos i felt this urge to speak with someone who wasnt a part of my everyday life which was making me cranky (i cant wait for her to come back after my a's! i feel so set on going to airport give her a tight hug and like just see her. lol. unless her arrival is like at 4am in the morning or something then aiyah.)
then after that i called my sis whos in germany via msn.
so yes i did nothing

until like 2+am onwards i started on market failure. and i did not fall asleep at all.
and i just finished it! all the crankiness i was feeling from the past 24hours IS GONE.
i feel so at peace with myself.
its not like having to study market failure was stressing me out but, i dont know why after finishing the notes i felt so not agitated nor stressed though i know i still have work to be done. lol.
or maybe its cos ive finished j1 econs and i understand my notes 10x better than i ever did in my 18months of studying econs even though i read all the notes more than once. omg! and i actually remember it better now. not that well yet, but alot better. it makes more sense than it ever did last year.

and like i dont even care about the fact that i am going to have to prepare for school in 20minutes time and that i'll be in school all the way to 3 and i have work to be done and blablabla.
i dont know what happened but within the past 4+hours of studying econs, i dont know why i had this confidence, that just overpowered the insecurity within me and..... i no longer see why i want to run away from my social life. but of course, i must still give more time to studies.
and i have no idea why! but its amusing and confusing me as to why suddenly i can just feel so at peace with myself despite my lack of slp and how im going to die later today. lol. all i ever did was just finish my market failure notes.

i think this entry is quite contradicting. and btw, i have not turned on my comp! but now im using the other comp -.-" but i still think its an improvement.
and im still amused and confused by my behaviour. i still think im crazy or i might have a split personality cos i really cannot make any sense out of my behaviour. or maybe cos my brain got sick of me feeling worried and stressed that now im behaving completely opposite, or i've had enough listening ears to help me to relieve all my stress.. hrmm... i shall gobrush my teeth and prepare for sch now, and continue to try to come online less often! haha! :D

`6:34 AM__;

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

insecurity sets in again!

ugh i feel like crying so much now but im not. (i said that like 1000 x today)
im so agitated i keep on going nuts and i was on the phone screaming noises to my friend and walking around the house like some mad idiot. i may be losing myself.
just a while ago i was spamming a few ppl online on how i felt like an erupting volcano and how i suggested some stupid things to a friend. now when i look back at my moment of crankiness, i feel so paiseh.
i think i know what im doing
but at the same time i feel like im dno what im doing
i dno why am i doing some things
that
are
just
plain
stupid.
i dno why i stress over something that isnt worth stressing over and its already settled yet im so agitated.
i think i made another stupid mess.
another stupid decision. but this is no time to regret.

i want to run away from my social life because i dont think i think properly before i do/say anything. all the more, stay away from the comp. my online helpers arent that helpful. i do not feel at peace with myself. i will seek refuge in my studies. my new love.
and to be more efficient in my studies, i will not run so occasionally cos now im still caught in the dilemma on whether running is really a good stress reliever or just gna make me more tired and not able to study.

on toward a new lifestyle. (which includes 1hr of tv every weekday) it will prob be torturous at first! this is for ALEVELS! COME ON I CAN DO THIS!!!

`1:54 AM__;

Sunday, June 15, 2008

i just watched letters from iwo jima,
it is indeed a really good show.
abit long but still good and i wasnt that interested at first but i thought i should watch it. so i did. after tuition. and it really managed to get me engaged. and i want to say more but i cant really express it.. ahh.

my sis and i found a kitten last night. meowing like mad. so we decided to feed it. it was smaller than our hand, cord still there, eyes not even open. damn tiny. we fed it 2 or 3x, was in our care from 8pm to 12am until its mum took it back.
at first we took it in cos it was meowing for quite some time.. then like we put it back out after we gave it milk (which is actually not nutritious enough compared to its own mums milk) and then it slept. and it meowed again 1-2hrs later and we fed it and then left it out... then after that it meowed again but it was over the fence at our neighbour's place so we figured its mum took it back. lol.
i never saw a kitten so tiny.

i feel very pressurised. :'(

`4:08 PM__;

Thursday, June 12, 2008

the maid cut spikey and planted his crown.
spikey is very sweet. spikey hurt my ulcers. ):
each of my 2 big ulcers are as long as my small finger nails
monday i discovered one more ulcer
tuesday i discovered a 4th ulcer
im in pain.
i cant eat.
i watched narnia - i like very much.
i watched kung fu panda - i also like.
i ate sakae for the first time - i dont really like.
i have studied & shopped.
i dont have alot of time to do anything else now. ): will prob have to cut down on running too. ): studystudystudy.

`3:02 AM__;

Sunday, June 08, 2008

im back! and i've had an awesome time.

i made alot of new friends
i learnt to wash my own clothes
i have 2 humungous ulcers and the bottom of my back teeth. damn painful. since the 3rd day
i have alot of unglam photos lol
i have cried
i have laughed
i have been pissed off
i have been a loser. thinking i've been seeing fireflies every night outside my window until the 5th night i realised they were flying insects reflected by light. SIGH.
i got slapped by my group member
i fixed that same person's specs ;)
i hit my group members with big empty 1.5litre plastic water bottles
i got pushed by a tiny kid with a hat that had horns
i have had a total of less than 5 mosquito bites
i have had many embarrassing moments
i have been chased around by the smallest kids
i taught them hokeypokey! & a few other songs
i realise that my lates nights spent planning their lessons and worksheets have gone to waste because we kind of overestimated them and though it upsets me on how much of my effort has been wasted (could have been used to study!!!), i dont feel that upset
i took photos with the kids
i received gifts from the kids
i taught the kids english
i gave the kids stuff too
i love the kids
i hugged the kids
i blew kisses at them
i played with them
i played chopsticks
i played captain's ball
i played taitee
i played bluff
i played indian poker
i played bridge
i suck at bridge
i didnt really enjoy watching tv though there was channel 5, 8, U, news asia and central
i ran on mon tues thurs and fri around the area
i had fun running
i had fun with the cross ppl
i had fun with my roommates
i had fun with my group ppl
i have been tickled alot
i have attempted studying
i have not studied
i have planted plants at their schools and had alot of soil stuck at the bottom of my shoe to make me super tall
i have eaten alot of spicy food hence the 2 big ulcers
i have eaten the least junk food i ever did in a week but i ate alot alot alot of sweets
i had alot alot alot alot of embarrassing moments and photos and they gna upload it on facebook omg.
i am thankful & grateful
i regret for reacting so slowly - i didnt think of saying a goodbye speech to them and i didnt cry till they left and i cried even more on the way home
i enjoyed teaching these kids
i had the best seafood ever
i woke up early every morning
i slept at 12+ 1+am singapore time everynight wake up at 6+ 7+am
i tried to watch the sunrise ytd but couldnt cos we were blocked by the trees -.-
i didnt shop much. only bought handsoap, tissue, bubblegum, a bag, bubblegum, sweets, a 3kg pineapple that looks big sweet and yummy, half a box of kueh lapis, 3 handphone covers, timtam wafer!
i saw chickens, chicks, rooster, dogs, family of cats with their kittens
i actually drew a rooster sitting on a nest with eggs thinking it was a chicken
i visited fire station, water plant, landfill, pineapple (2types!) &papaya plantation that had catfish and cats
i bought a 3kg pineapple named spikey - spikey looks sweet, pretty cool and big
i dont think i can bear to eat spikey ):
i am gonna chop off his crown and plant spikey
i drank alot of water
i had a room that consisted of an indonesian, indian, malaysian & a singaporean
i roomed with a malaysian who's damn cute and nice
i constantly nag at my super kind roommate, the malaysian camel, to drink water
i love the people in my room
i am content
i do not regret
i hope that this experience will truly make me a better person though it makes me feel studying isnt that impt, i hope that i can still be able to do well using different motivational reasons from the experience i've had in this trip
i ate green bean soup for the first time in years
im still hurting from my 2 ulcers esp everytime i eat something spicy if not i might as well dont eat.
i feel very healthy, much more healthy than i did in the past few months
i like water
i saw fireflies at night
i saw alot alot alot of stars at night - cannot be compared to what i see at home
i sat on sampan
i sat on speedboat
i cabbed home with muffin which was terribly ex
i almost thought i lost my wallet but i didnt
i picked up sand dollars
i got to walk by the shore with my eyes closed barefooted - it was soothing.
i saw no cockcroach
i was damn sian today
i had alot of trouble sleeping esp in every single bus ride until the last day aka today when i slept till my head was rolling all over the place from left to right and dropping here and there. so embarrassing. but it was quite funny cos alot of the ppl in front were doing it too.
i almost died carrying my bag, my luggage, my 3kg pineapple spikey & half a box of kuehlapis home
i spent the ferry ride doing reflections and im still not done
i took alot of photos
i am repeating myself
i cant think of anything else more to say
i might be influenced by the borats
i hope that my actions from this trip onwards will be able to make me a better person, and someone i'd be more likely to respect
i hate my ulcers
i will miss the kids
i believe this trip has made my life in ac 10000000x more meaningful
i love my bintan trip
i will really cherish it
i called my parents once i reached the ferry terminal at tanah merah
i got home at 930
i called yihui at 10+ we're plannign to run tmr morning.. but i realise now im abit dead. lol i hope i can wake up esp now that i can sleep 10x more comfortably in my own bed
i think i shall go do my reflections, replan my study timetable and sleep

`11:53 PM__;

Sunday, June 01, 2008

today i had an encounter with an angel. mr anonymous.

firstly, i woke up AT 11AM omg, then i went to vivo with felicia and ended up not buying anything but i got a pair of earrings!! (:
then i came home andrea and rachding came over for awhile to see some stuff. then... i played hexic. i did not study. (i think i'll try to finish redox tmr.) then i left for sundown. it was a long mrt ride and after we got to tanah merah was a long bus ride to the actual place itself.

then! at 830 we had the 10.5km run. i saw our dear senior jen there too!
it was boring and yet hard. and slack. i dont know its like i could go faster but i didnt dare and was scared i couldnt last and i just felt bored but i kept on going and going and i felt possessed. cos i was like i really want to slowdown but i couldnt at the same time and just kept going at that pace... havent felt like that since mg days. i was targetting like 1hour. i finished half of it in less than half an hour but i took more than 1hr. like 1.02 or 1.01 (of which maybe some 1-2min spent vomitting) sigh. im such a slow & unfit person now. so at 9.5 km my watch was like 54min and i was like omg my stand chart took less than that in sec 3! but aiyah just target less than 1hr, my junior caught up with me and then he left and then suddenly i felt like puking.. i tried to continue and then i started coughing abit but then i cldnt take it already i really had to stop to vomit everything out. and in the dark everything i vomitted looked dark. i was quite worried, am i vomitting black/brown food or is that really blood. i couldnt tell. and i vomitted SO SO SO SO much i got a shock of my life and maybe the last time i ate was at like 4+?!

and then an angel came in the form of a man. i managed to stop my vomitting and he asked if i was ok, i nodded and then i walked like 2 steps and started jogging back. he was like i think you should walk back but i was like, nvm its ok only last km left. then hes like are you sure, and i was like yup im in a team and then i continued jogging/running and slowly got faster and he was so nice to pace me back! i was like its ok you can go first but he didnt leave me. and at the end he made sure i found my ac friends before he left. i thanked him but i didnt know his name or anything except that hes an angel. even my word of thanks cant even express how grateful i really was.

anyway i recovered real quick. and i was ok alr. i had a lil vomit on my shirt and hand from earlier and washed it off when i ended. it was brown. so i think its food? not dried blood. haha. anw, after that we got our bags, changed up and wandered around for a bit. i even decided to eat free icecream after the run! usually i wont but since i paid SO MUCH for it i decided to. heh. then we took bus to tanah merah. we missed the last train :( and my capt and his cousin took bus 14 back with me at 12am! so im pretty glad i had their company or i would have just X_X in the bus. it went from bedok to like suntec and then orchard and then bukit merah and then queensway. i got to know his cousin abit. they got off at clementi to take cab home while i got off at queensway at 1am. it was quite a nice 1hr bus ride.

anw so the highlight of today was sundown. i have never ever vomitted in a run before. never ever taken part in competitive run at night. i ever felt like puking but nothing ever came out. today was a first. towards the end i just had to vomit. -.- actually it happened before in sec 4 when i came back after my ankle recovered but only a tiny bit came out. todays amount of vomit was just massive. i didnt even aim properly. i was like targetting the soil but it came out on the white part. -.-''''''' so paiseh. ok i must be grossing out my readers. and how slow i am now = -.-
actually right, looking back, my run was boring. there was some form or fun-ness&relaxation in it. i felt energised enough to last through the run but like at the same time i was damn bored. cos its like 5km there 5.5km back? and it was all on flat ground and the surroundings was the same everywhere. worse than mac ritchie! and i was like =.= maybe cos it was so boring i started slowing down. anw im aching from ytd's run and today's run. haha. and im leaving for bintan in 28hours.

but whats most special on my day today, was that i met a very kind angel i never got to know. thank you mr anonymous. you will be remembered for your lessthan10min of kindess.

`1:58 AM__;