maple leaves.

Friday, April 25, 2008

today, was strange. i found myself helping alot of people. (and maybe not helping some.. but i know i did help more than i usually do willingly) and i felt that i had just done some good CIP! hahaha. well, it was more like a payback. and its like something i've been searching for these 2 years in ac finally came up right at my face today. and ytd.
yes i slacked ytd like crap. turns out those who came to sch had no lessons! hahaaha. ytd was the most fun day i ever had in a LONG TIME. and there was pride&prejudice. i thought the acting was really good.

haha. then today in sch. i died. cos i came home so late. my cousin stayed over and i died in school. but i was such a helpful person during break. (: and in class. and after school i was an even greater person. i helped my angel! (: and well.. i dont think i have ever helped someone so much like that. i have always been thanking people so much for being there.. but today it was the opposite and the feeling was awkward. im not selfpraising.. but from the way she spoke to me.. hmm.

today, i am thankful.
i am grateful.
and i have felt the most love this week, from teammates, friends (of course the one from family will always be there :D), and i think lately ive been giving out alot of love. ohhh feel the loveeeee. ;)
i also finally felt what i'd define as real much much more.
like my friendships (not just in ac), the bond shared, feels like they'll last for so so so so long. i can feel it in my guts. and i really really hope that my instincts are right.
and i must still save money!! omgz.

`11:16 PM__;

Thursday, April 24, 2008

half my class are in sch today. ._.
it was cross nationals ytd.
the results.. maybe not what we expected but it was a learning experience for me.
it was quite messy.. i didnt really watch much and i was so nervous for them.. then there was one of our runners. she collapsed. judging from our time trials, i'd say shes our 2nd best runner. but what happened to her... was something i never really expected.
after 5 runners came back, i didnt see her. i thought maybe i missed her coming back or something. but turns out she really didnt come back. during warm down we were looking for her but thought maybe she went somewhere or something.. and considering our race started at 440 to 450.. i didnt find where she was until 535. the ambulance brought her over to one of the tents near the end point. she was lying on a stretcher when i saw her. it was raining like crap.. water the ground was getting wet (like 0.5cm flooded). she was covered top to bottom.. they were icing her forehead and a teacher was holding her hand.. just for her to feel better. then i took over holding her hand when i came. she couldnt talk.. but when she tried.. no sound came out so we couldnt really get what she was saying. and it was abit hard to lip read. nvm. i stayed with her for about an hour with some teachers.. and i'd never really had any direct contact with a runner who collapsed during a run. (hence i say it was quite an experience). they carried her to a chair after a while. she couldnt sit up. i stood behind her chair so she ended up leaning on me/my arm that was holding her hand. i played with her fingers.. so that you know.. she wouldnt be so still. she was conscious already but she just couldnt move/talk. i asked her to do this (i showed my hand moving my fingers) i knew she tried. but she couldnt. i saw only one of her fingers jerked but she just couldnt move her fingers. she couldnt move her legs or her toes..

it took hre a while before she was finally able to sit up straight without having to lean on anything. that was when her voice actually came through. we could hear what she was saying but it was really soft. she still couldnt move.. and.. i dont really know how to say i felt. but i never really seen running do anything like this to someone. i mean i've heard of runners collapsing and vomitting like crap and behaving really X_X after they run. but it never actually happened right in my face!
they tried to feed her with sweets and 100+ cos it hink she needed to consume something sweet.. (apparently sweet stuff will help) though she didnt want to. she was so immobile. she cried, feeling like she let her team down. we reassured her, nobody blames her. and i think for her, this too, was a very valuable learning experience. i know, she will come back stronger. but anyway.. i didnt leave her until 650++ when the teachers told me to go with the team to dinner first. so yeah.. i felt bad leaving her. i didnt want to let go of her her hand. she was still quite immobile.. the rain had already stopped then. but no choice lor.. so i left.

on a lighter note, the moments with her were quite interesting. the teachers were really damn funny trying to keep her from getting wet by the rain hahahahhaa. they really helped to lighten the atmosphere there. and her friends came by, and etc.

i dont think i really did much ytd. except tell them when to report.. stayed with them while they stretched/did drills.. hurr. but i know they did their best, and i also think this year's competition's was more competitive than before. which may be good in the sense that.. the competitors really fought not knowing who would beat who. and not competed knowing who'd they lose to. i know after they started them off, i was carrying their bottles and shirts around cos i was too lazy to walk back to our bags to put them down. so i carried it around watching them run, esp towards the ending. i was so nervous.. my heart was pounding like mad knowing they were gna show up any moment but didnt know when! (this applies to both girls&guys) and like i couldnt tell their positions cos i didnt see the colour of the no. tags clearly so i wasnt sure whether some were b div or a div. (later few b div were ending when a div started showing up and it wasnt really easy to tell when who's showing up) i was SO NERVOUS!! ytd happened way too fast.. and the dinner after that. it was kinda nice. (: i laughed so much till i cried and had a stomachache. havent done that since pri sch.

anw this morning i woke up aching like some crap (i actually woke up at 924am!). my legs, my back, my arms... (mostly my left arm actually.. prob from carrying the shirts around.) hahaha.
ytd was.... indescribable.. (for now. due to my lack of vocab.)

today, i was reminded about the sport, running.
i think about doing it so many times.. but today i thought about the sport itself. i have seen runners who love it as much as i do whether or not they are faster/slower than me. but you see, we all have the same passion. i think races still matter to me though but they dont matter as much. im still gna keep running (until i lose the ability to move my legs - touchwoodtouchwood). but when i look at a race. i noticed that.. there are those are just good. they dont love the sport, and probably still dont love it but they run because they really excel in it. yet theres no passion! they can be forced to keep trg and not slack but if they dont learn to love it and do well.. even if they do win something.. would they be truly happy?
and when i see someone who loves running as much as i do, or even more, i'd really love to get to know them. :) i see running as 1)a form of relaxation (esp during long runs - even when i push), 2)the most fun i ever had with my teammates, 3)discipline, 4)healthy lifestyle (then can live longer!! :D) and 5) the only form of self-torture that i love. i dont see any bad in it (maybe the injury part). whats wrong with pursuing all that?? and it'd be even nicer to know more ppl who think the same way. because i know, im not the only one. i just hope that school work doesnt make me start to neglect it.

i think this entry has been written with very bad english. the structure seems abit off. the points i may be trying to get at probably wont make any sense. ahhah omgz i feel like slping again.

`11:01 AM__;

Friday, April 18, 2008

didididdidididdisciplineezzzzz.

i watched the other boleyn girl today. found it somewhat "enriching" and educational in some way but yet... i felt sad and flinched alot at some scenes. its not my cup of tea but yet.. it just reminded about some things in life i may have neglected. hrmz.

nationals on wed.. im not running but i feel so excited! and nervous for them. and i dont know what it'll be like.. cos i know im not gna train seriously after this.. im so gonna miss trg & seeing everyone so often.

and i must really cut down on my spending. its disgusting.

`9:33 PM__;

Thursday, April 10, 2008

i think i emo too much.
so now i need to take some steps to feel better about myself.

1. improve 2.4 by at least 15-20s on monday
2. sleep before 12 everynight. and then hopefully 1130. (i hhave been sleeping before 12! except on a few exceptions when i took naps.)
3. stop slacking.
4. better time management
5. prioritise well.
6. whatever i have to do, do it well.

`11:43 PM__;

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

ok i take back what i said earlier.
i dont think i'm really in any place to say anything..
and really, i cant do anything. and what i say is REALLY very insignificant..
but how i feel inside... what its telling me.. hurts so so so so much more.
it sucks to be me.
that i try to get away with dealing with a problem by TRYING to be more optimistic, looking at the positive side of it.. actually moving on. when really, im just giving what ppl want to hear and not how i really feel even if i know how good things can be.
when will i stop feeling like thisssss.......

`10:30 PM__;

this is my 500th post.
im supposed to be alright now...
im supposed to have gotten out of it already. but
looking back on MANY aspects of my life,
i dont think i've really done anything worthy of any respect.
i disgust myself
i feel low.
i disgust myself
i disgust myself
i brought this upon myself
cos i dont try hard enough.
im always almost there but never there.
i disgust myself.
and nobody really listens.
cos i dont really listen.

and it begins with me.

`8:59 PM__;

Saturday, April 05, 2008

i actually argued with my mum just to race today but then... shes my mum. whats it like to have her child wanting to run right after recovery after hearing of what happen to runners who run when sick and etc.. and the weather....... soooooooo.... i just came down to support. time flew by damn fast. like everything was over so soon! and i didnt even cover 10 pgs of my gp package. -.- ok nvm. ignore that.

today. i will speak on things inside my head. regarding you, you, you and you.
i have finally put my thoughts into words.
1. "you're not there for the 10000th time."
2. "dont let emotions get in the way"
3. each time i trust you, means im giving you another chance. BUT then again....... maybe you dont want the chance anymore.
4. will you only realise it after im gone? :(
5. you = ignorant. i want to kick some senses into your stupid/dumb/dense head. i dont know how to make you step back and take a look at the bigger picture because you really do not see alot of things youve been dying to see.

reasons why i have recently started to feel better about myself..
i have received encouragement for being myself.
not too long ago.. a friend expressed her appreciation toward my openness. of course, i do appreciate her in return.
and during my "sick leave" ytd. another one told me that she thinks she took me for granted when we were younger. of course, im not saying im a superhuman or something, but it gave me more reason to be not afraid to be myself. & to help others. (: and it made me feel that i may not be as screwed as i think.
and today, leticia told me that whenever she doesnt feel like studying she'll think of me! hahahaha cos i have some respectable qualities when it comes to working hard. HAHAHA.
and my cousin says im her idol/role model. HAHAHAHA.
ok haha my ego may be growing here. i havent been studying. and i have been slacking. and seriously if i didnt fall sick i'd be in the mood and have accomplished more things. seems that i let my sickness get in the way of my plans.......... booz.

`11:50 PM__;

Thursday, April 03, 2008

sigh. ive been sleeeping damn early the past few nights but on wed i couldnt get out of bed though i made it to sch on time and today i was walking so slowly but i felt normal except that the whole world was overtaking me.
during chem lab i had abit of a stomachache and in physics i had it too alng with a headache.. then during break i slept in the library till gp which was quite torturous. then dad sent me home, i cancelled tuition to sleep. i slept without the fan or aircon but covered myself with my blanket. when i woke up i didnt feel hot at all, i felt normal.. then my temp was like 38+ 39 at 6+pm. and now its 8+ my temp has gone down by 1 degree.. low 37. grrrr i want to go run nowwwwwwwwwww. i think i shouldnt have cancelled my stayover too soon.. but aiyah. rest is impt. i want to do work but because im not running tonight i feel so bad im just so out of the mood to do work. blaaaaa. i think i can go sch tmr la. now i dont feel so horrid. this is quite irritating.

`8:14 PM__;