maple leaves.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

i think im becoming very rebellious.
the only logical explanation is that it could have been some snowball effect
it can become quite a vicious cycle if i dont change my mindset.
if i tahan any longer it'll get worse, but i dont know how to deal with ittttt.
oh well. i shall see what happens in time to come.
oh nnnoooooooo.............

`5:07 PM__;

Saturday, February 23, 2008

haha i think im nuts. hahahahaha.
today i had trg and, i dont know what to say.
anyway, there were only 2 girls.

then i met tiff janell and benavon at ikea, ended up having lunch with them. i felt so happy to be able to catch up with tiff. it was really sweet. (:

and i had my econs tuition today! i think first lesson was rather awkward atmosphere hahaha. but it turned out pretty well. i did learn, understand better. but yah la i just really need to think damn hard when i do econs. its not like chem or math. it dont come easy. damn hard to link. and my brain thinks &registers what he says damn slowly. -.- and i forget so much more easily. >.<"

okay. actually im super deprived of sleep but i have no wish to sleep till i go to bed.
i've been learning lyphard melodie on the piano and ive been playing the song in my head when i run. i personally think this is not good cos right now im actually more focused when i run and i actually think about running when i run instead of other things. the songs been in my head since monday?? =S anw, im sort of improving. and sort of not. but i cannot help but feel more positive. or maybe i do not hope so much anymore. but its also like negativity is just not there, like my negativity has gone on holiday haha. oh well, i shall enjoy my time without it while it lasts. (:

OK, MEANWHILE... I NEED TO STUDY FOR TERMS. and have time for tv to de-stress.

`7:14 PM__;

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

how could i have been so unmotivated?
why are things turning out so much better for others?
and why do i even envy???

i dunno leh. but i had this sudden rush of great motivation and i must type it out here before it dies out again. -.-"

`11:42 PM__;

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

i am weak.
i fear alot.
my legs are aching from mass pe, my back and stomach's aching from trg. and every step i take up/down stairs is killing me, but im not dead.
and because i avoid so many things, i realise it makes me become deprived of one of the most wonderful things in life i could never enjoy because i refuse to take a step out of the box.
because i fear
because the first few times i tried, i didnt get it.
and i dont even know if its really worth that much.
i think i am an attention seeker. but when i cannot stand myself i avoid the whole world. - hence beecome more deprived of attention and would continue to stay out despite feeling really ignored & uncared for when its actually me whos ignoring the whole world.

i have come to a good conclusion though: my heart that is really sensitive/emotional/thoughtful/caring is overruled by my cruel&heartless perfectionistic mind.
if i really go in depth: it just basically means that i am very full of pride, i am actually a perfectionist who feels alot but tries to ignore her feelings because my head rules over my heart. i cannot show people im weak when deep inside, i cry a whole lot more times than the people i've seen cry to their friends in public but i refuse to show it in public. when im on the verge of crying and someone asks me if im ok, i laugh to them telling them that the tears are coming out on its own but im actually fine.
even if someone did care, even if someone did console me,
no one can get rid of this problem except me. cos eventaully, even if someone tried to make me feel better, even if someone cared so much about me, it'll take such a long time that they'll eventually focus on things that are more impt for themselves. not because they want to but because they have to. and the last thing i'd want would be being left behind.

and why am i saying this when so many people around the world have access to this? well first of all i know that my blog is not read by many, an average of 5 same visitors a month? that kind. and because right now, im having a moment of impulse, later i might just delete it or forget about it, and also, because i have lost so much, i have nothing else more to lose. so might as well confront it and say it out to make myself feel better. so what if the whole world knows? no one is going to help me about it.

it is hard to find sincere people who mean what they say nowadays.

`6:16 PM__;

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

today i learnt that i havent exactly grown out of my inferiority complex.
so due to feeling really really inferior, i lost respect for myself.
and i cannot get any respect from anyone if i dont even respect myself.
oh please, do ignore my existence, please.
i need time.

`8:01 PM__;

Monday, February 11, 2008

I
fell
down
again.
hahahahahah it is so not funny. i have this red patch on my left leg but i hurt my right ankle again. what a way to start the week. and then the math test. oof.
so anyway, i spent my first day of cny doing the traditional visiting, and then myhouse not doing party at night liao so at night i went with my sis along with 2 other foreigners to night safari! it was so COOooolzzzzzzzz but wahseh we didnt get to finish what we wanted to do. we got there at 815pm (it opens at 730pm) and left at 12(it closes at 12) -.- but yes we did get to see all the animals on the tram but we wanted to see them again by foot, but halfway walking... they tell us to stop cos theyre closing. kayuu. -.- nvm no biggy. it was rather interesting i'd say. i wanna go zoo again!! 2nd day - i went titis house. lose money. come home cannot sleep till 330. sat morning wake up for trg, shiok run - reunited with tiff & TNg, go home, shower, had tiny father-daughter outing at vivo ahah, then go cousin house mahjong. come home... then dno do what and zzzzzz. sunday, watch tv, mums side came over till 12+. and school today.
so today i woke up at 6am, i ddecided to come to sch early and study for math in the hall. so.. on my way to the hall from the carpark, i was blind, missed a step - falldown. =.=

today i am very tired. 2 friends left for aussie today i did not see them off and i dunno why i feel so numb.

`9:36 PM__;

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

so, i tripped over a brick on friday
and,
i tripped over a bench on monday. i must be thinking too much that i dont even see whats infront of me.
well, i havent had proper sleep the past few days cos of chem and econs. it is SO not worth it. all the time spent studying, just for a 40min paper?!?! and then eventually, 1.5hour paper for terms and then an even longer time for As. bla. oh well.
so tuesday, i had both econs and chem test, had my day without break, stayed in sch finish gp compre and then... i went to find yihui at sports com.
she was sad, but seeing her like that made me feel better about myself. i dont know, like we're both in the same boat but in different issues. made me feel more normal.
well, we headed to holland v, and talked, and i felt free. i could just take out time with my dear friend and we'd just talk! :)

and we headed off with leticia to changi, met the other cross people, and sent our dear coach off. i liked the atmosphere, i like ac cross. i dont really do much with them, but theres something really special about this bond. ANYWAY, after changi we went home and i got back at 1159pm.

sometimes, i dont know what to do without friends,
sometimes i dont know what to do about them. like when im pissed off or cannot stand something i get so scared i darent even say it. or, when i get selfish i cant be bothered. i still put the important thing i need to do more than what my friend/s need. oh im so screwed upside down.

SO, today i came to sch for nothing much. it was more like 1+hour of ac celebrations and i slept inbetween due to insufficient sleep for the past 4 days (whereby i survived mon&tues with coffee -.-") and i had reunion lunch. well, it was rather stoned atmosphere, but what really got me intrigued was my father's conversation with his younger sis (aka my aunt). it really made me realise how my aunt, my dad and i can be so alike. we CAN be generous, we do not like it when people take it for granted. they depend on you so much its like sucking the life out of you. they turn lazy while you just give more to people who become even worse. well not that exaggerated but it just feels like the only people who depend on you deserve no respect at all like they really have no sense of moral values and do not hold any integrity or even know how to keep to their word. and when you try to do something about it - you become the bad guy. sounds so rubbish but its true.

ok i probably said too much about that issue, but nvm. i also learnt to realise how even when you become adults, some people are just. gah. but ofcourse im not saying that im really mature or anything... but i'd just wish there wasnt so much hidden conflict. (cos right, they cannot stand the way family member X plays mahjong so they try to avoid playing with her but cos shes one of the oldest family members they cannot say EH X DONT PLAY THEN I PLAy that kinda thing) oh. i truly do not have a heart of gold. if i did, i wouldnt limit myself so much when i give something without return. i am selfish. sometimes selfabsorbed. but i try to hide asmuch as i can so that people do not know that such a person truly exists. haiya, family. i feel uncomfortable everyone now. everyone.

also, from my dad and aunts conversation, apparently they have PRE nursery now. oh my kids are so poor thing. i think i should migrate or something. to australia?? (its the 2nd happiest country in the world) theyd be so deprived of fun at such a young age! i know when i was 4-6 years old, i couldnt even wake up at 1030 just to walk to sch which is 1130 to 1430. hahahaha.

i have learnt alot last year. i tried opening up, being more friendly and etc, but sometimes i just cant. or well, - i have become a quitter. i do not persevere enough and etc and bla. and then theres the $$ problem. when i socialise i end up spending $$. ic ant even stay up to study anymore. i end up finding myself with my head on my notes or something. so yes, im going back to complete isolation. probably stop talking so much and well, just keeping quiet.

`11:06 PM__;

Saturday, February 02, 2008

i sense that someone is out to get me. Oh, curse that stupid brick on the ground. i tripped over it and this time, i sprained my left ankle. Oh, curse me for my stupidity/blindness/clumsiness. why did i not see that brick. i was really looking forward to today's run and now im so damn sad. well at least mdm was quite nice. she just replied me with a :) to ice it.
i mean its not as bad as the first sprain i had 2 years ago on my right one. but after i fell down. all the fear just came to me i cried wihle it was hurting, leticia told me to go back, but like after about a minute, it stopped hurting and i carried on the run. the run was pretty good actually. but aiya i cant stand it i run like a snail and i feel more restricted with my ankle like this. hownowbrowncow.
i still have that fear that everything's not going to be fine. i read a friend's msn name with a quote: those who fight the most, have the most to lose.
i may not fight the most, but i think i fight alot - hence alot to lose. i couldnt help but agree with it, not just from myself, but also from watching others i realise that its true. Oh, i sure do hope things do turn out better.
and yet, im trying to tell myself that this is a test.
aiya this is damn irritating. i shall not dwell in self pity.

on a lighter note, i met an angel 2 days ago. shes someone i randomly knew by face last year (a friend's friend), and i got to know her better that day. i finally know her name! hahaa omgz its like she always knew my name and then i wanted to call her but i realise i didnt know her name! so embarassing. but shes really nice to me. and i felt touched cos well, she sort of saw something in me other than being this seeminglyalwaysbyherselfblackface girl. anw, we walked out of school to the bus stop together and we talked abit and well, we got along really well. i felt really warm inside.
i find that my friends are like my angels. so it makes me think that we are all angels, but all sent to help only a random group of angels in their various missions. hahaha. but why some can LITERALLY gossip about me right behind my back - i have yet to figure it out. --. should i go back to sleep or study chem?ok sleep la i think i'll fall asleep right now if i study chem.

which is better for my ankle - icing or using heat?

`7:13 AM__;