maple leaves.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

mental

psychological

self-inflicted

pain.

`7:57 PM__;

Saturday, October 27, 2007

eventhough i feel my life is so so bad.
there are others who have it worse.
but i still feel as lousy and bad and lousy and lousy and lousy and really really low.
there are also others who have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be so grumpy about their lives even when i know their problems inside out.
they're too blessed. very very blessed. but they dont realise it.
i think im blessed too compared to the former. but not as blessed as the latter.

i feel like i screwed up this year really. i know alot of people are against that statement but i really truly do feel like i have screwed up like mad. studies, emotionally, spiritually, internally. i have managed to attain a perfect average C on my slip of paper. bla.
i cant just take things into my stride. i dont know why, maybe i try, but i really cant. i dont know how people can be so relaxed about everything and etc.
my confidence level is so so so low. i think when i grow older i wanna go for counciling sessions dealing with confidence. even when i talk to my whole class, anyone i meet. i dont know why, i feel so inferior, scared, .....

i feel that im very unlucky compared to most people. i feel that im always one of the few dao mei ones that have the worst things happening to them, and the only good things that happen to me happen because i worked for it. i have no talent. i guess this further supports my reason why i should be a housewife (if i really do get married) or like just grow up looking after my parents and looking out for my sisters; because even if i work hard, someone else who doesnt work as hard and is more relaxed will get the job rather than me. it always seems like that. but its not unfair. its just me. it only seems unfair but i ahve to face it: i dont have that quality they want. i cant give full time dedication anymore because i dont even trust myself anymore.

and i also feel that no one can ever say anything to cheer me up. because they may say something really nice about me, but i know myself best. and then it makes me refuse to believe whatever nice things theyve tried saying to make me feel better. because they dont know me like i do.

anyway, i didnt make it in for OGL. its understandable. they could tell i was so nervous during interview. they obviously wouldnt want anyone to do the same to their OG right? and i feel so bad. i dragged yihui into this. she got in and i didnt. now we cant do it together. :( on a lighter note, i can spend my first week of school not skipping lessons or training. i feel that i really love training now and wouldnt want to miss it at all. except for the fact that my old injury is swelling up again. bla. trg tmr morning. chinese on monday. pw on wed.

in contrast to my really sad entry:
my pw group has finished its contents for OP. probably finalised. i feel a little more confident in doing the intro. and i also had a good run today despite the heat and the almost puking feeling. and i spent my night being able to catch up with both my sisters. spending time with them... i dunno, but i find myself feeling most happy when im with them.

`12:04 AM__;

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

in my attempts to rid myself from my emoing;

i shall post something i copied from brenda out of... being unsure of whether i should do pw, chinese, watch tv, or go to bed.

1. when is the last time you held hands with someone?
this afternoon! with yihui. ^^ im not les.

2. You wake up as the opposite gender, what's the one thing you'd do?
check if im in a costume.

3. Have you ever crawled through a window?
climbed; yup! the ones at home...

4. Where is your mum?
out with my dad.

5. Morning or night person?
NIGHT.

6. What was the last movie you watched?
The Da Vinci Code on saturday!

7. Any cool scars?
YEAH. damn cool one on my elbow. i remember how weird it looked when it bled.
and one from an injection on my butt when i was few months old.

8. Things about the opposite sex you notice first.
built? height? i not sure leh.

9. What do you do when no one is watching?
i continue breathing.

10. Ever been in love? with someone?
maybe i thought i was? but managed to convinced myself not. haha. but on the whole i think its a no.

11. What's something your friends made fun of you for?
being blur/clumsy/weird/fierce, dimple, eyebrows, the way i walk/talk.

12. What is your curfew?
DONT HAVEEEEEEe. depends la, i set my own 12+am.

13. Would you ever dye your hair red?
no. only spray red. not dye. natural is good. (:

14. You and Alcohol?
yuck.

15. What's your worst personality flaw?
being an idiotic bitchy hypocrite, selfish, think too much, worrywart, too many hang ups, lazy. not sure which.

16. What career would you wish to be?
archaelogist! on a more realistic level: accountant, housewife with part time job.

17. Which country would you like to visit?
EUROPE, NZ, FIJI, ALASKA, CHINA, AFRICA, WYOMING (north america).

18. Do you want a well-paying job or one you enjoy?
depending on how much i enjoy this well paying job and how much im paid for the one i enjoy.

19. Do you believe in needing a religion?
no, but we all need something to believe in.

20. When was you last on the phone?
around 6pm??

21. What were the shoes you wore today?
ASICS.

22. Do you like maths?
yup.

23. What about history?
learning about family history: yes! as a subject: no.

24. Have you ever seen 5 squirrels at one time?
in my head.

25. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
no.

26. Do you have a brother?
no.

27. Did your great granddad fight in the civil war?
no he was a farmer who moved from hainan island to here. not sure about mum's side though.

28. Who's your favourite person to talk to online?
favourite few: dajie, tiff, yihui, grace yeo, santosh (hes a good teacher in person/online not just in school subjects), the rest i not sure.

29. Have you ever used photobucket?
to view photos from peoples accounts.

30. Do you like hugs?
love them.

31. Do you want to be a doctor?
no. i dont trust myself.

32. Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth?
a few times.

33. What do you do right before i go to bed?
kiss my dog goodnight, turn off the lights.

34. Right when you get out of bed?
walk into the toilet.

35. Would you date a guy/girl with hair longer than yours?
possible but unlikely since there arent many guys with hair longer than mine.

36. Do you want to be famous?
no. just wanna be known by those who know me. (:

37. Do you spend a lot of time contemplating life's answer?
YA. ALOT OF TIME. then i tell myself dont bother cos i should just wait for it to come rather then keep loooking for it but it doesnt stop lah. soo annoying.

38. Do you do your own laundry?
no. -.-"

39. What words do you use instead of "good"?
cooolzzzz. whoa. superrrr. proooo. the ultimate. AMAZINGZzzzzzzzz.

40. Anyone on your mind at the moment?
yah. i want my sisters to come home!

`8:40 PM__;

stage fright.
i told her i was nervous, really really nervous. like right before i was going to present i could feel my heart beating like damn fast.
faster than training warm up.

well maybe its not so stage fright.
but it used to be. i've sort of partially overcame it.. but i still get really nervous. i dont know if i was too soft; and half the time my mind wasnt thinking clearly.

this is why i've never spoken to my class as a whole la. cos i never dared to. thats why i go interrogate one by one when i ask them to hand up stuff.

ohmygozzzzzzz; training last week and yesterday rocked la. it wasnt any better or worse than usual but i dont know why i loved it all. whee i think i'm starting to love cross again. ^^ i cant wait for our camp! should i go for job attachment programme at jurong birdpark? it seems interesting but at the same time i abit scared la. =/

anyhow, i dunno what ive been doing to myself. but im really really freaking out inside. i hate this. i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this.

`8:25 PM__;

Saturday, October 20, 2007

with response to my grades:
i think.
for the first time in a long time.
i really didnt put in enough effort into studying. i fell asleep too much while studying
even though i studied everything.
i was quite turned off this year. really. even about training.

but like now im quite on about trg. heh. or maybe except for _.
anyway,
everyone's tired.
so many people are sad.

its like after i got back my exams scripts already and everyone has checked. just look out the classroom window and you'll see, friends confiding into one another, hardly any soul with a smile on their face, the sky wasnt exactly very bright either, the scene was just. wow.
like you'd hardly ever see such a scene in ac. the atmosphere was all rather :( and quiet and bleahhh.'
and i was really reluctant about going for training cos of the sky, the ground was wet too but training turned out good eventually. im quite happy with myself. just that i think i will die tmr. i started aching even more from wednesday today. my hemstring's like O.O

and then pw and chinese. i think i should really try to put in some effort into chinese now. and pw. i love my group. they are such responsible people i could justttt really like give them one tight group hugggggg. heh. okay nvm. im damn scared for OP.

if its one thing i regret, it would probably be not motivating my friends enough to study. but why try to take care of others when i cant take care of myself? i dont know la.
well honestly speaking, i was rather neutral about my results, got good and bad... and just look around.. see everyone's expression. like almost my whole class was emo-ing and it was really rather unpleasant. i know most of the time i leave my class alone to do my own thing but like just seeing them today, i dont know. theres still hope for our class though.

but it wasnt just them.
all the guys didnt turn up for training today. reasons: sky dark, results, sick, leg pain, "all the guys not going i also wont go". =.= they felt more like lame excuses.
anyway, even in cross, i could just sense it. it wasnt nice at all, when people dont turn up to liven up training moments... it makes training feel incomplete. and i start to feel bad that i, too, have been at fault for being too selfish and not putting effort to help my friends. after all, we are teammates right? (in terms of cross)
and yet on the other hand, a really really irritated part of me just thinks: you asked for it. what makes you tihnk you can pass with the effort you put in through the year? were you sure that your studying methods were effective? i sound like such a horrible selfish, uncaring bitch right. i know i can be one.
i guess i probably deserved it for econs. i know where i screwed up. even if its an E, its still below 50%.
but all the same. i still do feel at fault i didnt help anyone. probably only yihui. but its not that they didnt study. it was more of the process i guess.. yet at the same time, you cant exactly help when you dont know how to right?

edit: 415am sunday 21oct
i was talking to this guy from sb1, the class i almost went to. i used to keep asking him questions when i studied for promos. and he got like AAAACD. A for all h2s btw. (i felt glad that i chose the right person to get help from when i was studying ;)) it was a good invisible smack in my head. i seriously needed that reality check that eventhough alot didnt do well, there were those who could still do well too.

now my only problem is sustaining my motivation and discipline for the next 12 months in everything i do. its like i really have a split personality. one of them is like a lazy playful student. while the other is like my own parent. scolding myself, comparing myself with those who are better.

and maybe i know why i used to do better last time. because i suffered insomnia. every night i couldnt sleep i started thinking about my life, and half the time i'll be scolding myself for not doing some things and then i'll scold myself so badly sometimes then i end up crying and the next day i become motivated to do it. it helps in discipline. but im just doing the right things for the wrong reasons...

`1:00 AM__;

Monday, October 15, 2007

ive been causing alot of damage.
its time i start fixing things right! (:

my horribly sedentary/idle lifestyle from the past 48hours has made me think alot and now i am motivated. XD

`11:40 PM__;

ac games... bloopbloopbloop.

friday, after the rain, we got walked over for almost all our games. i was like super sianzzzzz. and felt bad that i bugged ppl to come then they so nice come but never play. -.-
i wanted to go get my passport photo done in sch u to make my ezlink card. but i told yihui i'd go run with her so i did. and we ended up running outside in the rain and then i came back and ended up playing stargate (at 5+pm) cos we actually got into quarter finals?! and semis. but still lost -.- it was quite fun. and i was really really not clean.
but i still went to get my passport photo done and headed to tiong to make my card
and then i realised... that ezlinkcardmaking place closes after 6pm. and it was like 8+++. -.-

nvm. then i slept at 12+ (my new record in weeks), and woke up early for trg. :D andddd the run felt good. but i hate the side effects of strengthening. my neck, stomach, lower back are aching now.
anyway, after trg i headed to tiong again. AND THEY SAID IT WAS CLOSED ON PUBLIC HOLIDAYS OGIJJGLKDFJMGLKDJFHYOITEY so now i have to wait for tuesday to go again. -.-
i went home after that. showered, then started folding stars at 2pm. but i fell asleep till 545pm. watched chicago at 10pm, i think i admire catherine zeta jones. :D
then i continued to stay up for the rest of the night till 630 am to avoid waking up too early.

so iw oke upat 455pm. and here i am. managed to complete folding about 400 stars from 2pm (sat) to 12am (sun-mon) inclusive of... 13.5hours of sleep. but now my glass bottle for big stars has not enough space. :( i need to buy a bigger onezzzzz. (i currently have 677 big ones. couldnt fit 20 in. :() the thing i used for my small stars (which i have 280 of) is a glass cookie jar from ikea. heh.
i am happy. for i have managed to spend my weekend with a relaxed mind and i folded 400 stars. ^^

sadly, i need to do pw I&R and i dunno if i sitll need to make improvements with my wr. =/ and im damn worried. and i hate pw and chinese.
sighzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. still need to tahan abit more.

everyone seems quite enthu about exercising now. =/ im like. super super lazy now. gah. i think i really need to motivate myself to feel ON about running.

reflections:
within the past week, i noticed that i like to do things to make people i care for happy.
i like to make people i care for happy or i wont be happy whether or not i like to do it.
for example on friday. i told yihui i was damn =.= about running. super dreaded it cos it was wet and i was gonna train the next day. but i gave her my word and i'd rather do it with her than not do it and just leave to get my passport photo done. cos if i did, i woudnt run (which is what i wanted to), but i'll leave her feeling sad which will make me feel bad.
so when i dont do whatever those i carefor wants me to do, i will feel bad. then we both will be :(.
therefore i do it whether i like it or not, cos even though im doing something i dont like, at least i prevented one less smiley face! i can at least feel better cos i made someone's day.

i like to run away.
i like to hide.
but even so i still get found, people still catch up with me.
im not very good at hiding.
im not very fast when it comes to running away.

in my attempts to avoid waking up early, i managed to sleep for long hours. however, i think this year's the year i received the most dreams. including bad ones.
i think when the day i get to live a dream comes, i'd feel so insecure that something bad is gonna happen. i wont be able to just accept it.

`3:14 AM__;

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

heh. i realise my past 3 posts have been around 2:40+am. hahahha.
my outing today got cancelled.

i left school with some classmates today and they were going to the library to read?!
i thought it was a crazy idea.

then, since my outing got cancelled i watched tv at home. movies, animal planet (pretty but dangerous tigers + snake), youtube then fell asleep. then i woke up at 9+, continued with youtube.

and i realised going to the library to pick up a book to read isnt such a bad idea.
im not so =.= about reading anymore i guess.
probably cos i started out reading books i hated thats why i didnt like reading? oh well. now i think i do. (:

i watched fantasia 2000 on youtube. (btw it is absolutely amazing, wonderful, pro-ded, super duper good, its so WHOOAAAA)

i dont think i'd have any interest in going out this holiday.
as in like going out shopping, movies, with friends or anything. except for a few sec4friends exceptions.
i'll probably just do something i like to do at home, go library, train, go to friends' houses. i dont wanna spend anymore $$$. i spent like so much ever since promos ended. i feel so guilty i dont wanna spend anymore!

`2:43 AM__;

Monday, October 08, 2007

sometimesssss, this feels like a fairytale.
wwwwwhooooooooooo.
i feel blessed.
very very blessed.
nonetheless, grateful too. (:

thank you very much!

i watched brothers grimm yesterday. many twisted fairytales in a story.
interesting, and disappointing? o.O i dont know, i expected it to be better. =/

sigh, i have unknowingly brought myself into this watch-movie all day long mood.
i watched the lake house with my mum today.
i almost cried cos i thought the ending was so sad, but thank goodness not! it was so sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!! ^^ omg. sweet to the maxXXXx. I LIKE THE SHOW!!!! AAAAHHHH!
then i watched elizabethtown again.
sweet and somewhat meaningful. some parts rather draggy. but it sort of reflects reality in a good way? haha. i sort of like it, but i might get bored watching it over and over again.

ohya now that i think about it i wanna borrow cartoon movies from my uncle!! heh.

but the main part of today was waking up at 1+ in queens. watched abit of a walk to remember too. sweet sweet sweet. then again all the movies i watched today had a whole lot of romance. ahh. romantic movies make my day so sweeet. :D anyhow, after i ran with yihui, we lazed around my room, went to ikea, explored anchorpoint. and i bought this really nice smelling johnsons' kids strawberry soap.
yes it was really out of impulse. omg i should be careful about my spending. i feel that i spent alot within the past 2 weeks!!! omggzzzzz.

aiya i feel damn lazy to sleep/change but im abit tired. =/
ohmanohmanohman i could just swear im going crazy over cartoons/shows/movies/...!!! CANT WAIT FOR ONE MONTH TO BE OVER!

`2:48 AM__;

Sunday, October 07, 2007

i had a class gathering yesterday, and i took 970 again.
and i was reminded of looking forward to going to ac so that i no longer have to take 970 again.
but now that i think about it, it hink i enjoy taking bus more than taking mrt.
true, mrt is WAY more efficient.
but bus journeys from and to school are like the best. and i get to sit and sleep for some time. XD

and its like quite funny in the sense that everyday, i take the same bus as someone from a different school, and when i go home i can see the same person (sometimes).
and it goes on for years but i just never get to know the person.
and i watch them grow just the same as they have watched me.
but yet its like somehow eventhough the person is just a stranger to me, i probably know something about the person her/his friends dont.

people close to me are not feeling okay. (mostly, not entirely, is my dajie. shes sleeping behind me now though)
i feel useless when i cant do anything about it.
i keep sounding so emo. its irritating.

sometimes i think im too sensitive that i start acting insensitive to avoid showing it.

`2:41 AM__;

Friday, October 05, 2007

you know, sometimes reading an interesting story can really really be as stressful
as.
as.
as.
studying.

i just spent like 3hr45min reading 2 chapters and i really wished i took a longer time!!! i cant wait for her to finish writing with her happy ending!! at the same time i also dont want it to end. its so interesting!! but the situation now where she ended is like YUCK. and i really hate it how she keeps me in suspense. GRR. its like OMGZzzzzzzzz. i want to read somemore but she havent update yet. pangsai. she takes forever to update. and despite all that i, along with my dear friend, have been her super loyal&faithful readers we've been stuck with it since primary 6??? thats almost 5 years! i feel quite proud of myself. haha.

after promos i actually went to read!! voluntarily!
(shock shock horror horror :O)

and i still want to read yihui's book and harry potter's book 7. SIGH. i cannot stand it.
im really kept in suspense. actually im supposed to read book5&6 but i think i cant be bothered. then again i also might get hooked on it once i start, but i feel so eager to read book7 now! gah.

i must have gotten sick of tv, and computer games and other random stuff i used to do that now i actually want to read. .___.

okay, i shouldnt celebrate too much.
theres still chem spa, chinese a levels, pw.
just because it may SEEM unimportant or like no big deal, cannot completely forget it!
heh. im in holiday mood alreadyyyyyy AAAAAAHHHHHHH. i want that writer to hurry up update with new chapters!! i kept in suspense until like super stressedddd!!!

poo. tv not so interesting now. =/
its like 304am now and i dont want to sleeeeeeeeeep! grrr. im so happy now that i no need to force myself to wake up for the next 4days! :D:D:D

`2:45 AM__;

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

im going through a very very emotional phase in my life right now. it probably started since the end of 2005.
not like anything really bad happened, so maybe this wont be the worst in my entire life, but its the worst i've had since young.
i need better self-control. i do not enjoy being an emofreak.

i can like, just say a sentence and burst out in tears.
and when people say such exaggerated things about themselves, its just NOT OKAY AT ALL and i refuse to say out my situation because its worse and i really really dont want them to know.
i really really dont.

the thing about ____, is you cant keep secrets from one another.
maybe you can, but they dont last.
maybe i hide too much, or we're too concerned about one another which is a good thing, but eventually i wont be able to hide anything from them.
and you know the feeling when somebody you really wanted to hide from found out your secret that you could just crumble down into... crumbles. omg. X_X
maybe the problem's just me: im probably too full of pride.

`7:18 PM__;