maple leaves.

Friday, August 31, 2007

this week has been a damn emo week.
even in chapel, she was so accurate, i actually teared.

one negative comment = 20 positive comments
people with inferiority complex => PRIDE
how we start t deprive ourselves from things because we feel unworthy, undeserving.
i dont feel that i shouldnt be in acjc though. i think if i were in any place i'd be learning as many things differently.

and then, suddenly i start to appreciate people more, get mad at them more, indirectly care about them a whole lot more, but the part that stood out most,
was from those who gave me reassurance.

how a simple hug,
a simple message,
a simple act of kindness

could just make things so much better.

or how a simple comment

can just turn everything upside down.

this year i've called myself lousy, depressed, stressed, stupid, idiot, bitch, etc. for the most no. of times i have ever done in my life.

this year i've made so many friends real easily, and have thanked people for the most no. of times in my life. maybe i didnt say it, but i know i did in my heart.
i've also said "i love you" to many many friends, and i really meant it to every single person i said it to.

i couldnt help it, not that i mean to be attention seeking or anything but i just kept telling people that i was really damn sad. i told each of them different things though. the dog, school, studies, myself, people, and the dog again. and not once, did nobody not care about what i said when i was ranting it out. makes me feel like crying again cos im quite overwhelmed and touched and sometimes i can be such an uncaring bitch. people were there for me this week, and they really heard me out, some didnt hear me out, but i felt they understood what i was going through without knowing what happened.
i never received so much reassurance before. nor have i been down so many times. -.-
today i am grateful for every single peron i have met and cometo know. some made me feel as down as i am/was, but they also made me feel otherwise too. afterall, i guess thats what makes it fair right.

this week's been an emotional rollercoaster.
i just wrote a list of people to thank for the week. and i realise i wrote alot of names.
14 names for those who heard me out & those who didnt but could see how i was and did somethig nice.
26 for open house (excluding 2 ppl who're in the first catergory.)
13 for other random things.

as of now, im most troubled by 2 of the 3 dogs. followed by studies.

on the other hand, i experienced a whole lot of fun painting open house banner, and still coming home to crash everyday. -.- oh well, holidays have started, tv is really getting boring. and i should be more motivated to study. i dont feel like trg this sat cos im still sick and i haven ran for more than a week so if i run this sat it'll be extra demoralising if i dont do a self run before this sat comes. and since i still sound like shit. i shall not go.

for the past 2 years, i've successfully let my mind take over my heart. telling and making myself do what i should do, being my own discipline master. but this year, i dontknow why, my heart seems to be taking over. i'm doing what i want to do rather than what i have to. im very freaked out.

`1:48 AM__;

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

i have alot of "i"s in my entries. and this one has a whole lot more... hahahahaha.

today was rather.. unfortunate and yet amusing.
in our timetable, we have 2 lessons in the NL today, of which lessons/lectures after that are in the main sch building. and bothtimes, it rained like mad the moment our lessons in the NL ended. and for econs lecture, we were super super late. we made a rather "grand entrance" and our lecturer was being really nice, collecting tissues from other students in the LT and giving them to us. did we thank her? maybe, but i know i didnt. i didnt use the tissue though cos every part of me that was wet weresoaked in my shoes, absorbed by my uniform, my hair.. the rest wasnt so bad. but i still wantedtothank her just that ididnt.
i wrote a compo earlier today about saying thank you to a certain somebody.

i got my econs test back, :( i really did study. i even got dajie to help me.
i got my chem test back, =/
...
i noticed something about myself today. like for some reason i was actually absorbing every single word our physics teacher was saying unlike the prev lessons. i didnt force myself to listen but it just naturally came to me.
i rmb in sec3-4 i could be falling asleep in chem lessons and still know everything my teacher was talking about. chem's not like that for me now.
but maths is. i realised i could just multi-task, doing another assignment while she went through some qsns during lecture today. and i was focused, i was clear on what i was doing and what she was talking about.
i surprise myself.
how sometimes i can just naturally absorb so well, and yet sometimes when i cant, i just cant even if i force myself. -.-

i must try to make friends with economics. the forcing it in method does help, but still not enough.

for some weird reason, my phlegm seems to have cleared out alot better, and yet when i start coughingit sounds worse. my voice sounds worse but i feel better. and i've been a super good girl drinknig waterr! and i feel bad for anyone whom i know gets sick, it makes me feel that it was my fault even if it really wasnt. i should have stayedat home but i so kiasu.

i contradict myself, which is prob why my gp abit ...
i find it hard to make a decision sometimes. my dad says im a worrywart. super worrywart. which explains my kiasu-ness. but if i were really that kiasu, i would be working damn hard now right. instead of simply just putting some effort.
i can say one thing, and then next minute i would say another thing which is completely opposite that also makes as much sense and still mean it. and then i get confused.
maybe because i havent found alot of acceptable answers which is why i find it hard to focus. because whle i TRy to focus, i start to think about other things that im worrying about.

i very angry withmyself. cos im super super emo. 1. i got my econs test, i read her comments, and i was almost tearing up during her lesson. 2. i teared ytd twice. i had a super annoying day. 3. the chem test. 4. i even showed some annoyance very rudely when my classmate was sounding really bimbotic/whiney/irritating. i apologised to her and she said "dont worry, its ok i know you very stressed". i am grateful, but yet i feel bad. i think we're all going similar things in jc too right? its hard for anyone to not have problems with anything esp with school... or maybe im just very unstable right now. OR, im prob giving myself too much credit.

aiya. ... i've ranted enough for the past 1 week. ive had enough listening ears. ive hugged/receivd hugs from enough friends. i've cried enough for one week.

REALITY CHECK. its time i stopped living in the past. tmr must paint open house bannerzzz.

`12:24 AM__;

Monday, August 27, 2007

i am SO irritated.
but i should have seen it coming since the beginning.

breathe in...
breathe out..
pooof.
omg i must stop complaining.

`8:09 PM__;

Saturday, August 25, 2007

school makes me so sad.
so so so so so sad.
i hate the workload.
feeling: almost suicidal.
why almost? because, if i really were. i wouldnt even think about being chicken.
[One Way, Jesus]:
then it's probably a good thing that you think you're so 'chicken'. coz i don't wanna lose a friend

aww.

i feel weak.
less independent/more dependent on my friends.
but its not that i want to be acomplete loner, damn strong person. i just dont want to get over reliant.
i feel at the point of time whereby my friends are the only people i NEED to talk/relate to.
no i dont have problems with my parents, i love them too.
they have experience, i know that. but in their time, technology wasnt so advanced that they had to study more.
when there's no tests. theres exams/openhouse. or i fall sick. trg gets demoralising.
when theres no exams, there are tests.
i guess i can choose to step down from all the leadership roles i have, but i dont want to. i dont want to give up. i dont want tobe a quitter. im an extremely kiasu freak.
and just the other day i almost cried while studying a chem test. the subject i have NEVER EVER failed at. and i dont intend to start failing anymore things now. everybody fails at something, but not almost EVERYTHING.

of course, i feel like dying everyday, but im just never dead. its that torturous psychological feeling i get. i come home, and before its even 830pm, i crash somewhere at home, and i havent even showered.

i feel that i have failed enough, yet it still wont surprise me if i continue to start failing in other things. i want to survive these challenges. afterall, tough times dont last, tough people do. heh. :) i got almost 2 months to tahan till my proper break. must tahan!!
cross country has made a big change in my life in secondary school. and seeing my attitude towards it now is just, plain, disappointing. but it feels like my heart is still there.
can it get any worse? it may already seem like the worst at its worst.
but somehow, it finds its own way at gettng worse.

maybe cause im not trying hard to do something about it. the old me must come back.
i am a very competitive person. but i hate competition because i feel like i become a very horrible person when i am competitive.
thats why i want to live in the village. life is simple. i know nothing about the outside world. and i dont need to compete. (if i do, it'll prob be competing with another farmer about who has better crops hehehe.) but i'll be satisfied, as long as my basic needs are met for the rest of my life, i dont need to work hard anymore just to survive.
i am glad, for i have just spent my time wisely not studying and ranting out every depressing shit in me. its almost the same as what i went through the past 48 hours, having some yellow/green phlegm coming out everytime i cough of blow my nose at least 3-5 times in an hour that im awake. its not so bad now, my throat still sucks but when ithink of the total amount of phlegm that came out. omg. its like getting rid of SO MUCH RUBBISH in me. HA.

`9:51 PM__;

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

i blog when i am sad.
and i have 400+ over entries in here...
i guess i get sad too often. =/

but right now, i have the feeling of depression.
if only i had the guts to commit suicide. -.- ha.ha. --.
its probably not so severe i guess, but i just feel worse than i ever did...
when what i do isnt working.
when i know i got people who would listen to me but yet i feel so insecure telling anyone about it.
it's actually okay, and yet, i dont find it ok to let anyone know.

everything else around me SEEMS to be getting better, but when that one problem still remains a problem. it just doesnt make me feel any better. i should try to cherish what i have more, but i dont know why im still rather reluctant to do so. and i also dont want to regret it later. ... i argue with myself too much.

anyway. its not about the funny hair cut i got with teo.
im quite happy i never really told anyone about this blog this year. (: even if anyone finds out, i hope they dont talk about it nor do they post a tag. its ok if they read it, i just hope they dont acknowledge it. let my entries be something they randomly happen to stumble upon and have the impression that its just the voice of a typical blabber, not worth remembering. for even i can forget what i get sad about sometimes. even though its the WWW, and i dont know how to make passwords/lock this thing, i'd still like to keep a low profile. (:

`12:01 AM__;

Saturday, August 11, 2007

dear blog, i am troubled.
i havent really been listening to myself.
i slept the whole wednesday afternoon, and another 9 mre hours later at 4am,
i didnt do anything ytd.
i didnt do anything today. (other then catching up with 2 sec 4 classmates)
im supposd to do work, go self runs and...
im just really good at letting myself down.
i rmb that feeling last time, once i start working i cant really stop already. but now im having trouble starting again. good news is, im starting to get sick of the tv. but i still havent started on anything. its not too late yet, but i dont want to wait till its too late before i regret. so why havent i starteD? tmr i have trg, followed by pw, and i dont know if i'll be motivated to do work after that. :( oh gosh, what is wrong with me, where's the motivation. i've breaked enough. ive been inspired, felt like getting down to it, but yet not quite reached putting my words to actions. its all up to me, just to overcome..
that..
little...
bit...
of....
...
...
laziness.

`12:47 AM__;