maple leaves.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

the one thing i find i need help in the most.
the one thing i dont dare/nor want to ask for help in.
its been 6 years eversince it started.
why did i become like that.

NO! i cannot let it happen
i cant let it happen
if not, all will be lost, i'll feel so hopeless,
i'll have completely no control of myself
i'll feel like im
falling down and bottomeless pit
and I CANT LET IT HAPPEN
NO
NO
NOOO
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO! :'(

`11:02 PM__;

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

im very scared.

i need to stop myself from turning into a monster.
hopefully, this june hols will be as productive as i want it to be and it'd be time well spent. - for studying and a few outings + camp(s). (:

`10:07 PM__;

Friday, May 18, 2007

today, was last day of the 2nd last week of the term and its 7 more days to school holidays whereby i spend the first week coming back to school and then trying to complete some work and trying to do this and that and yada yada and then i study study study for termzzzzzz and then got pw and blahblahblah.

anw, i bought the passon ac shirt today and eventually decided to go with yihui. at first i was really reluctant being the free thinker that i am. lol but today i heard a statement that was sort of a "wake up call" which is something i've been doing the past few weeks and etc. it was about self-pity. sometimes i think i do that, and after i thought about it i felt quite disgusted with myself. no wonder life's been frustrating.
but it still is anyway. ha.ha.ha.
but i think it can help change my perspective and prob make me more motivated to do certain things (e.g. getting enough sleep & being able to complete work, push myself in trainng rather than just come and slack, etc.)
as of prev entry, i still need to stop complaining, save $$$, be disciplined, not fall sick & learn to cope.
after passion ac, i remembered how useful sermons can be in terms of character values eventhough sometimes i dont like how it makes me feel like its trying to psycho me to surrender myself and become a christian. =/

oh well. anyway i had a long run today and im going to have a long run tmr. and im excused from school on mnday hahaha because my class is going to support bowling in the morning and theres the last ac rugby match on monday afternoon but i cant support my classmates which makes me very sad. instead, my cousin is gonna come to try for dsa and i shall be a guai kia and go for training. i want to do fartlek. i think theres fartlek. i hope theres fartlek. .__.

i forgot what else i wanted to blog but nvm i shall stop here. till next time.
oh ya, heres a smile. :)

:) :) :) :) :)
im quite happy cos tonight i can sleep for 12hours and then wake up to do long run at mr. so shiok right! :D

`11:42 PM__;

Sunday, May 13, 2007

must stop complaining,
must be disciplined,
must save $$$,
must not fall sick,
must learn to cope.

`6:56 PM__;

Saturday, May 12, 2007

i think im living in denial.
i think im making myself live in denial.
when i tell myself the real truth, i just start to convince myself otherwise to make myself feel better. but the truth is, this is just shitzzzzzzzz. i;m rock bottom.
anyway, i feel abit =/ with the past few roles that've been given to me within the last one month. from just being a math rep - plus pw leader - plus cross secretary - plus new asst class rep cum treasurer.. i think there'll be no need to even bother about being an ogl next year for leadership stuff in my port folio.

i dont know why i have absolutely no discipline at all, whereas compared to like 95% of my class, im the only one who bthers to stay up late just to hand up work on time and come to school shacked and all sleepy like the world has just turned upside down. my mentality is turnng into crap. and i managed to get my way out of training for track and still come for trg just to be a rabbit and also cos my injury's not fully gone.
i am such a slacker. i feel like littered waste that hasnt gone into the bin.
i had a long run today in dearest MR, it felt awfully long compared t the last time i did it, prob cos i decided to go slow throughout, i didnt even bother speeding up toward the end. ha.ha.ha.ha. and i ended very very comfortably. but anyway i need to do more long runs.

on a lighter note, i slept for 12hours last night and had a really sweet dream. a friend said "sweet dreams" to me last night, and i had one. i dreamt about something that could have really happened in real life, but when i woke up, i felt so glad it didnt happen.
and after trg, i fell asleep while reading gp. and i dreamt again in that 30min nap (i usually dont have dreams in my sleep) ---- it was madness.

i dont like to let my daily happenings stop me from smiling, but my mentality now is SO LOW, i cant even say no to getting annoyed.
im annoyed with ALMOST every single little thing happening around me,
but i cant deny that im thankful for some people who are just, so. kind.
i feel like i received enough attention.
i want to vomit right now. but something is stopping it from happening.
ughhh, anyway i think its just school. after this week, i'll feel more free.

`10:13 PM__;

Thursday, May 03, 2007

for the past few days, today, and right now,

i have been, and still am, very very very afraid of myself. =/

`11:22 PM__;