maple leaves.

Friday, June 30, 2006

hmm, i dont know what to do with myself. and then again, maybe i do.

i've been really dehydrated the past few days.. i've been finishing bottles of water in school without feeling bloated. and i've been sweating like mad during assembly the past 2 days which is actually a rare thing cos usually, i dont sweat. and its gross, even before we start singing, i'm all sticky already. =/

i think i'm gonna nap later tonight and then watch germany. XD

i feel betrayed. and this feeling's been attacking me since june. sometimes i dunno if i should open up eventhough i want to.

confession for the day: i realise i'm quite a sucker for sweet romance. even in cartoons. HEHEHHEHE. =X but i like leh! so sweet. ^^ aww.

anw, got back my results. quite shit. if i get c6 for geog then its like 18points for l1r5. my lowest ever. T_T and its even closer to o levels now lahhh. ok i admit i'm rather happy with my math and chem, they actually improved compared to last year's exams! :D i need to do well for geog, or at least get b3 for 15points. my lit was shit, my ss improved though. which is why i passed only. :(

i feel like i shouldnt do too much math, and now my lowest subjects are those being taught by my form teacher, but i dont think shes bad, my ss now is alot better just that lit pulled it down real bad and i've approached her for eng and lit so now.. i need to .......

and i feel bad i havent done anything practice for chem, not even tys whatsoever, but i'm quite happy i improved by 0.3 marks heh. from last year's end year esp now its /150. and i'm quite pissed by the fact that getting 74.1 = a1, 69.1 = a2, 64.1 = b3 for chem.
why? because i got 59.5 for ___ and 74.56666 for my amath overall. UGHHH. and its a c5 and a2 not b4 and a1. grrrr.

i've got not a single b3 nor a2 for this mid years. =/ i hope i did pretty well for geog, at least above b3? =\ i wouldnt know. i'm super scared. i just know my paper 1's an a1 but paper 2's so unpredictable! >.<"

crap. the entry didnt get posted when i clicked on "publish post" and when i went back to recover it, lower part of it disappeared and i forgot what i said. -.- gah.

`4:24 PM__;

Monday, June 26, 2006

i did my 2.4 on sat, i need/want to improve 135s in 2-3months.

i've come in to realisation quite a while ago that most of my entries are regarding nothing but "me" "me "me" and "me". and it made me feel TT_TT like my life revolves all around me.

but then again everything i speak, say, is said through with what my brain has thought through, what "i" have thought through. and i do get to say whatever i want in my own blog right. heh.

i didnt sleep last night. and today i suffered its effects.
fortunately, i finished the work i listed out ytd, physics was finished within 1hour at 6, amath at 10 -.-" and chem at 2am, and packing my bag at 245. and theni went to sleep.
i lay in bed, couldnt sleep again.
so, like any of those days when i cant sleep, i toss and turn about and this time i almost fell off. -.- and then suddenly, i start to feel cold and i keep myself warm under my blanket from the fan.

my nose was leaking though, and i have no idea why.
anyway, as i couldnt sleep, i got into those moments when i started thinking about 1000 things under the sun. and usually its about cross. school, or someone, and another someone or something else. and well, i lay in bed awake until my alarm rang.

i was thinking about her. i feel like she treats me like i'm younger by the day, like last month she was treating me like i was 8, this week's shes treating me like i'm 5.
i dont even hear her call my name when she calls me anymore. all she ever calls me is "sweetie". there is not once in the past few weeks i've actually heard her call me by my name. i mean even when i was 5, 8 there were times when she called me by my name aND YES I RMB.

and everytime i hear her say that, she sounds like shes saying it to get close to me.
i admit i used to love being called that. but not anymore.
now when i hear her say it, it gives me the creeps, it makes me feel "bleh -.-"the feeling doesnt seem real or natural whatsoever. and i dont like the way she sees things.
even when i try talking to her about anything, SHE WILL ALWAYS STICK TO HER STAND. fine, i'll get to say whatever i want, she'll "hear" it selectively and then continues doing her own things like she never heard me at all.

ahh, heck. shucks i'm digressing. so i ended up not sleeping last night. i tossed and turned, and slept in all sorts of positions but it didnt work. and then my alarm rang, i got out of bed, blahblah, left for school, and suddenly i kept sneezing in the bus. and then it happened again and again in school.

i spent my recess sleeping, it didnt feel like it was enough though, fell asleep in first and last 2 periods, and i didnt feel well enough to go for training. i really needed to sleep. initially i had 2nd thoughts about not oging for training, because after school i tried to visualise myself doing training at the state i was and figured it wouldnt be so bad, afterall i ever did go for training once or twice when i didnt sleep at all. just that today felt really bad at first.

i felt really guilty i was skipping training cos of insufficient rest. but heck, i figured since today was intervals, i can make up for that tmr after school. so far no plans, etc. prob might stay back and do work too? see how. okokok so i went home, got back at 4pm, crashed immediately, and woke up at 8+pm. and here i am ready to shower.
i havent eaten lunch or dinner. but i dunno why i dont feel hungry. =/

anw so now, i just gotta go shower, hope i'll feel sleepy, pack bag and go to bed. thankfully no hwk today. i still want to sleep somemore.

`8:50 PM__;

Sunday, June 25, 2006

oof. i feel so pooped. i'm finally done with the math papers! but before i go on ranting, i shall list down the things i need to do today.
- 3 chem assignments
- physics wsht
- amath relative velocity hwk.
- pack bag. -.-

i shall do physics, amath, then chem, pack my bag, prepare for school, watch england and poop on my bed.

i didnt get out of bed till 2+pm today. but i feel so sick. not ill sick but just mind sick. my mind's in a whirl, i'm so dizzy, i feel odd. -.-

but i'm not that sick that i have to lie in bed to rest. ytd i was doing math until my eyes went X_X. it was like i had trouble looking at all those numbers and words that became blurred, and i was like omg just go to bed now.

i'm worried for my eyes. >.<"

ok, its 5+now, i need to start on physics which i think can be done pretty fast then amath, chem. pack bag. WATCH ENGLAND and then sleep. i've been really tired lately, but i always cant sleep. :(

`5:11 PM__;

Thursday, June 22, 2006

i hate drawing curve graphs. i spent like 1 hour last night just trying to plot a graph for one of the physics practicals i did not do as i had to go home cos i vomitted. i had to fake up my points since the readings i had were quite off (but i wasnt the only one too ok!), and FINALLY i got a smooth best-fit curve. it makes me worry.

anyway, speaking of vomitting. i slept around 4 last night. i havent been able to sleep immediately the past few nights. and today's training kinda really woke me up but i hope i can sleep well tonight. ok i'm digressing. back to the vomit part. i woke up at 0745 (actually 0755 lah) then went to school, had chinese. somewhere in between i was going through some inner conflict. i was tired. my eyes were very tired. my head felt rather dizzy but i could see my surroundings really clearly. and i felt somewhat nauseous. (sp?)

so i told myself. (wah lau why last time can tahan today cannot. am i that weak?!) [but this time i really cannot tahan, its like that geog lesson that time!!] so i cannot ren already. i went to toilet. and as i walked towards the toilet my stomach kept feeling all weird, each step i took, the weirder it felt. :S so when i finally reached the toilet, i was coughing quite badly but nothing came out. so nvm, i sat down and peed. and i waited till i felt better.

but i didnt feel any better so i just told myself, aiyah just go back to class and see how. cannot ren = cannot ren. thankfully i was alright when i got back to class just that i was still tired and stomach felt odd.

so chinese finally ended and i went with amanda and tifft to kap. usually i dont get swayed that easily (cos amanda was persuading me to go) but i still didnt feel to well then so i decided to go with them, take a walk, maybe i'd feel better. and i did eventually. (:

when we got to kap, ALOT OF PPL WERE STUDYING THERE OK! whoa. and then i had a few fries, blahblahblah, gone home, prepared + packed for training, crashed for 15min and then i left for training.

training today was good, the weather was great, i ran faster, i improved, i ran further, i felt better, and TRAINING ROCKED! BUT at the last part of the run, at the last upslope towards the finish line, my stomach was feeling weird, like i had the urge to vomit, but i was having those big coughs and i slowed down to a slow jog and i kept on coughing and then suddenly... ~~yellow stuff came out. must be my honeystars/fries from earlier today. =X~~ heh. but i still had a great run anw. :D

on the way home i was thinking on how much i love training so much now like the time in late sec 2 early sec 3, eventhough i wasnt in the team but long d runs were AWESOME. and then i was reminded of the goal settings for this year and how i didnt meet to it and post mortem this year. crying all over it. i felt so stupid, i still feel so stupid but i couldnt control myself then, and even if i thought about it now, i'd still be upset but probably wldnt be too disappointed till i'd cry anymore i suppose. I LOVE X-COUNTRY WHOO!

anw for world cup, the teams who got into this round of 16 so far were quite expected i suppose heh. mexico was quite lucky and czech vs italy tonight!!! that group is damn uncertain. oh and brazil vs japan at 3am!! :D (i'm gonna miss it :()

oh well, gonna run with erjie tmr (but i got 2.4 on sat >.<") and then go shopping with her since we didnt do it on tues. also gotta get my passport sized photos done since my old ones are missing. -.-

`6:19 PM__;

Sunday, June 18, 2006

omg i'm so sad CZECH LOST URGHHH. they seemed like they were having a bad/unlucky day. ghana was so irritating. i hope czech wins next round.

and iran is horribly violent. luckily portugal won. :D:D later gonna watch brazil vs australia! :)

i just kinda finished lit which is due today which i started a few min past 9pm. phew. thought i'd take less than 2 hours but i didnt. >.<" maybe cos i have time to add as much rubbish as i want and its easier to type than write.

i'm trying to spend my whole of this week with school work. slacked too much. i really did get my one week break. but i havent got any 12hour sleep day though. >=( i hope i can get it on wed. i'm so tired this hols, i've only had 1night when i slept for 12hours. --. tonight i might get 11hours only. =/ and i had so little sleep that i even had to nap today which i spent doing nothing much other than lit. i think i shall do some math during the match later.

spent wed - sat with my cousin. :D:D she stayed over on wed -fri night. then sat we went out watched R.V. GOOD MOVIE! i like. :D she wanted to stay one more night but i said no. i was gonna stay over at jie's place which was very messy. oh yeah so on sat, we walked around, did some kiddy art which turned out odd cos that shop was horrid. (not us ok, we burst the bubbles but it had 1000 bubbles after heating. =.=) then the movie and then i bought earrings. i bought alot of stuff for her but i hope i wont do it again. now i'm feeling quite guilty on the way i spend money. but its a rare thing thankfully.

we also took neos. i'm getting influenced by erjie now, keep on taking neos. -.-" but at least this year not as bad as last year. now its time to really start work, and also not slack as much. anw, overall, i enjoyed her stayover, we talked about 1000 things under the sun, slept at 6+am (havent done that since sec 1) and well, it was indeed a good break.

last night at erjie's place, whoa. didnt sleep till past 2 heh, and managed to talk to dajie over the phone. we didnt talk much, but i actually felt quite happy i got to talk to her. :)

gonna shop with erjie on tues morning or more like, earlier part of the day. and then i'm prob gonna spend the day with hwk. i feel quite bad i'm not going for cross outing, it sounds very fun. but i feel less guilty if i do hwk at home which is awfully boring but i have to make up for all the slack days last week. :( me and my lousy planning.

i'm quite glad i'm running again. but i'm not happy with my northern route timing last week. it was not good though i sensed my endurance/ sustainability in a long run was better. but i think i want to do 8+2 the next time, and then work on it for a while then start 8+4. i think i can do 8+4 already just that its harder to work on it, so do 8+2, start to get good timings, then 8+4. AHHH i'm so eager to do 8+4. =/ training tmr, i hope i can do 50x20.
now i run 9km at my last time 10km pace. i guess its not as bad as when i first joined cross. but i'm slower than the sec 2 me in august! grr. and i still have that stupid cough.

i must be a good girl this week. I MUST.

btw, anyone wanna do self run with me? (can run anywhere for 20-40min or more. id be glad to accept as long as its not mon thurs sat. it can be anytime from 6am to 6pm)

`11:30 PM__;

Thursday, June 15, 2006

ah! AHAHHAHAHAH i didnt fall today. not even an "almost" XD. finally.
but i walked cos i was scared i'd fall. that part after i turn right at Tjunction. super rocky, "rooty". i had identified it as a prone-to-falling down again place. but i didnt fall. :D:D i had that vomitting feeling when i finished my run.. hadnt had that feeling since my first few PBs in northern route 2 years ago. but i'm quite happy i survived that 52+min. -.-" this shows i can try 8+1 haha. =X

during the run... sec3 grace sort of screams when a small monkey comes after her.. then it stopped after chasing her for about 1-2m or so. so i said "its ok!" (cos i never was really scared of the monkeys, never got chased by them).. then after i ran past that baby monkey IT CAME AFTER ME and i screamed. -.- thats a first. -.-"

i wonder when i'd get back.. i still have my cough. >=(

i dont feel like trying for DSA anymore. i dont even seem the least bit motivated to try. bleh.

anw, world cup stuff. brazil was quite disappointing. but i hope they'll make a come bacK! :D:D but alot of people says they cant. aiyahhh i just hope that ronaldo will vomit out all his excess fats. its so TT_TT.
czech republic and the spain matchES were good!! and today i watched the replay of germany vs poland. whoaaaaa so disappointing but i was very happy germany scored in the err 91st min? in that particular match i was siding germany. poland seemed to have given up also.. germany almost scored 1000 times while it seemed like poland didnt try at all. all they did was defend ONLY and then when they finally get the ball, they lose it. -.- but i guess its not that easy lah. but these are world cup people, they have to be good no?

and other world cup stories.
1. 2 guys cycled 4000miles to meet oliver kahn in berlin! and oliver kahn heard about them and decided to meet them! (btw these 2 guys started their 4000mile cycle in march) i cant rmb where they're from.. (like ira___?)

2. 2 people were shot dead in thailand for making too much noise at night while watching world cup. =/

`7:41 PM__;

Monday, June 12, 2006

i almost fell today. my left ankle hurt for a bit.. and then it was gone.. thankfully.
i got so annoyed. so i asked what was wrong with me.
fortunately... he didnt say nothing's wrong with me because what he said made perfect sense.

i'm losing focus. or i should try to lift my legs up higher.

i'm somewhat getting too glued to the tv. which is why i havent been updating. XD mainly watching football with my dad.. but some of the matches are really boring. i only liked the first match and the mexico one.

i havent felt so tired in training in a long while. but heck i'm gonan make sure i go for every training now. if i seem to lose focus. TRY AGAIN. anw.. seemed pretty lousy run today, but i'm
glad i ran. so its overall pretty good feeling. and i must make sure i do my strengthening tmr. my stomach's been aching since i did sit ups last sat. but when i ran at the start of june hols and did sit ups, it didnt ache lehhh.

today went to orchard for a talk, and when i went back i briskwalked a super long way its like the short cut from stevens road to far east shopping centre to wheelock bus stop. it was somewhat tiring. i think its cos of the sun. heh. then i spent the rest of the day taking 2 buses to and from mac ritchie instead of just one bus. --- sign of laziness.

oh yeah then i went to buy dog treats for my dogs. heehee. and the person also gave me something free. XD i like that shop!

i've been getting lazy quite lately. my 72hour break from school is over. i should start some work asap. my aunt wants me to work at her office on wed, thurs, fri.

i think i'm losing my friends. or were they just faking it all the while... i need to rid of my social life. I NEED TO FORGET IT for a while. or i'd just ruin myself unknowingly.

`5:49 PM__;

Thursday, June 08, 2006

frustration. anger. madness.

distractions: computer. tv.

obstacles: ankle. sickness. school.

i went to bed ytd with the intention of running with mgX today.
this morning i woke up made my ankle move about for a bit... and something told me not to go to MR. it was more like try to run in school instead.

after i had changed, i realised i had a slight fever. of 37++.
i was starting to doubt.
but i still went to school anyway, unsure of whether i was gonna run or not.

during SS, my nose wouldnt stop producing yellowish green bacteria shit. chem and lit lessons were cancelled, i spent about an hour for my letter and ended up doing physics prac (with continuous coughing and blowing of the nose) in the lab until 1pm. in between, it started to rain, i was losing the mood to go running.
so i decided to go home. while waiting for the bus, a whole lot of 74s, 157s and 852s passed by. i was so tempted to go to MR. i wanted to. i really wanted to.

but in the end i chose to go home.
reason 1: i had fever earlier in the morning.
reason 2: i felt my ankle wasnt ready.
reason 3: the rain destroyed my want to run by a bit.
reason 4: i'm nowhere near recovery so it wouldnt be good to hear mr q go on about me not being able to take care of myself.
reason 5: i knew i had to be patient no matter how much i disliked not running.

a part of me says "thats the right thing to do!". another part of me says "those are just plain damned lousy excuses." GAAHHHH. talk about inner self conflict. -.-

i was trying to tell myself what i did was a good decision. because... no one can perform to their best if their fitness was not at their "optimum" level. (i.e. i need to be fully recovered in terms of illness & ankle) but something was telling me not to believe that statement. it was just so frustrating, i'm really eager to run...

i got home feeling really TT__TT. i even blew out the ugliest mucus ever and extremely horrid looking phlegm (they're bothworse than yellow). so i asked my dad why do i keep falling sick so often. he said its something i cant run away from, and well, i wont be surprised if this time i got it cos someone passed it to me AGAIN. i was living with sick people.

oh yeah. my sis and parents came home last night. and within 1 hour of being home, i got pissed off. but i shall keep it to myself cos i know i'll get over it eventually. on a lighter note, erjie did get me some nice stuff. (:

right now i'm currently very VERY angry with this thing about falling sick. i know i cant stop ranting on about it. but why do i keep getting flu? and this time its worse than the previous few times.. (vomit, continuous greenish yellow mucus + phlegm) ughhh. i've also lost my appetite.

well, i think eventually, someday... i'll get over this. its already june and i havent even started proper training! but i know i'm really lacking in patience, so maybe i'll try to join mgX from this sat onwards..

oh dear. i think erjie will get mad if she realises i cant share popcorn with her tmr. :( but thankfully, NO MORE SCHOOL! until 22nd june. -.-

`2:14 PM__;

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

bleh. i suffered in geog for 50min. the lesson was alright then suddenly i didnt feel too well. (earlier on in the morning i coughed out green phlegm, first thing i did the moment i entered the toilet). then i really felt eager to just raise up my hand and ask if i could go to the toilet. but she kept on talking and talking i felt very rude to disrupt her lesson. actually i didnt feel like i needed to go there, but i knew i just had to get out my seat. eventually after her lesson i vomitted in the toilet. havent vomitted since sec 1 i think. =/
that feeling was HORRID. i could feel the acid at my teeth after i vomitted.
this is good proof that I'LL NEVER become bullimic. (sp?)

yeah then after that iwent to this clinic near home, met the maid there, i told the doctor about my ankle also.. cos he asked. he made me walk around to check how i walked. conclusion: i am not bow legged. i do not have knobbly (??) knees. and the reason why i fell is cos i tripped on my own foot.

?!?!?!~~something tells me i shouldnt be surprised.~~
ok nvm. then after that it was about 12, i had my breakfast at delifrance hahaha (i was late this morning so didnt have breakfast and i didnt really like the food in school =X) and then i walked home.

earlier today i spent some time scolding myself. how can i be so weak. how can i be so !!! i'm actually missing 4 hours of physics cos of this. i felt so angry with myself. i feel so vulnerable. its like the 5th time or something since i fell sick. and when i spoke to my mum over the phone, i think my dad hasnt recovered from his gastric flu. grr. this is so annoying. i'm falling sick so often in the past 12 months. i'd never thought i had to give this kind of shit answers that im sick so i cant do this or that or this or that. maybe once in a while is alright. BUT THIS IS TOO OFTEN UGHH. and whats this, the year i fall sick and hurt my ankle the most often. WOW. how great.
-------------
i was just reading an email received in april. to learn from an adult on what he had to say about me was.. [unexplainable but it was a nice feeling. (:]
"have you regretted joining Cross from bowling....see how far you have come....you ahve grown so much...at least in my eyes...from a timid girl to one who fights...." - TNg

well, definitely, I WILL NEVER REGRET IT. that message's a good form of encouragement, something that'll motivate me to fight even harder.
i shall go catch up on my sleep.

`12:53 PM__;

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait till my ten year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

heh. i napped from 1130 to 4pm ytd. and slept from 130 to 1330 today. -.-" and i have physics and amath to do by tonight. i dont feel like doing it. but knowing myself, i'd get it done by tonight.
and i have prepared the emails i have to send, but I DONT KNOW HOW TO SENDDDD.. as in, i feel like i've missed out something. =/

my ankle hurts from ytd. >.<" the swelling's still looks the same, fortunately.

i'm going to the supermarket soon, and gonna return erjie's library books.

`5:40 PM__;

Saturday, June 03, 2006

i'm getting too bored i'm actually coming by here WAY TOO OFTEN.
anw, i went for training today :D:D:D
and then i fell right after i completed half of northern route. -.-"
BUT, this time i could go on running, i'm so glad my ankle isnt so bad now :D

actually right now i'm icing it. i have a pack of ice resting on my ankle now.
kinda just came out of the shower and did up my training log in the comp.
the one in the book was last updated when i went swimming i think. -.-"

i had a good run today eventhough i fell again and was super slow.
maybe cos my ankle didnt screw up on me thats why its good.
and it felt GREAT. i love running. i love mac ritchie. :D:D:D:D

something odd happened to me ytd. i want to say it, but i think i shouldnt. =/
my parents and erjie left this morning... hmm. 4 days ~~of peace~~ alone!

mon: school, tuition, go NUS help with erjie's thingy.
tues: school, run with teo
wed: school, go phyllis house haha
thurs: school, run with teo (and join mgX???)
fri: movie with erjie, then do dont know what, and then class party! XD

things to get done:
read physics.
chem,
amath,
emath paper(s?)
practise piano + send 2 impt emails. HMM.

i feel very tempted to take a nap. -.-"

`11:32 AM__;

Friday, June 02, 2006

heh. i'm coming by here way too often. hahaha.
i almost died in physics today. and i'm not too happy wiht my e math (5 or 4m away from target mark >.<"), but yeah i guess i've accepted it.

after school i went to collect my theory results. hmm. surprisingly i did pretty well for composing! (17/20) hahahaha i got above 80% for each section except for this part where i got 12/25. -.-" (its a section where they give questions on an extract.)

maybe i shall lay out everything for my own personal use.
with each section out of 10
1. (1998) 10, 10, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 8, 8, 5 = 90/100
2. (1998) 10, 7, 9, 10, 9, 10, 10 9, 8, 8 = 90/100
3. (1999) 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 9, 7, 10, 7 = 91/100

oh this one is damn funny. look at this: (1st & last section over 15)
4. (2000) 15, 10, 10, 10, 10, 3, 10, 10, 15 = 93/100

5. (2001) 5, 6, 10, 10, 10, 10, 8, 10, 9, 15 = 83/100 (last 2 over 15)
6. (2004) 15/15, 11/15, 11/20, 24/25, 19/25 = 80/100
7. skip.
8. (2006) 12/15, 12/15, 17/20, 12/25, 21/25 = 74/100

and so, that marks the end of my theory years... i think.

i see negative improvement from grade 5 -8. -.-
i was 6 marks away from meritttttttttt. and nowhere near distinction. gah. thanks to qsn/section 4. -.-"

i must be so free as to type all this out but i have no idea how am i gonna type my achievements to send over to ___ and ___.

i dont feel like doing naything. no piano, no hwk, etc. besides, my parents and erjie are leaving for bangkok tmr to 7th, hmm i have all the time in the world to do hwk on my own.

now i'm pretty tired, but i dont want to sleep now if not later cannot sleep or i end up napping longer than i want to.. maybe i shall watch tv?

yes i willl. i shall go turn myself into a primary school kid again. XD (but i feel i might fall asleep halfway. =X)

`1:54 PM__;

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I PASSED MY THEORY!!!!!!! WOOHOOOO.
its just a pass. =/ and the lowest pass i ever got since grade 1. =/ but then i wasnt so hopeful i'd get above 90 again since there's COMPOSING (since grade 5) which i rarely scored well at. >.<" i got 6marks below a merit. =/

`7:41 PM__;