maple leaves.

Friday, March 31, 2006

i just learnt something new about myself.
i'm a serious fake. even in studies esp during lessons.

at the rate i'm going i'll never get anywhere in life.
and i mean it.

i just realised that i may seem like i understand but actually, i dont.
pretty much the same as not realising that i was living a lie.
ahh I'LL BE BACK WITH A HAPPY ENTRY.

`7:18 PM__;

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

i forgot to mention, yesterday i got my emath test back.
for the first time in ka-zillion years, i did an math test WITH NO CARELESS MISTAKES! :D

but no i didnt get full marks.
i minused one mark because i was supposed to show something, i didnt give enough proof. and i did something that wasnt allowed.
quite idiotic lah i was expecting 30.
but i'm satisfied. lesson learnt. and there's no carelessness. XD

today my mum took me to that china clinic.
whoa. 30min of torture. i was whining like mad, until i cried. she kept rubbing that spot! aiyohhhh.
and what's worse is that.
its not just my ankle thats swollen, my leg (around the shin, lower part of the calf) was swollen too! and i didnt realise it till she asked me to compare with my other leg.

WAHHHHH. she rub until X_XX_X but i dont mind going for it again. its very good punishment.
i think they almost did acupuncture on me. but i was already whining at the pain when she rubbed it, and ya - blahhh needles. so luckily no needle poking. -.-"
they bandaged my foot with some stinko chinese medicine, taking it out tmr.

i cant run until i dont know when, and they said swimming - body in COLD water, shouldnt swim.

NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO. if not, i'll be hopeless! :(
cannot. i will go swim on thurs. >=(

but i guess my mum;s right, better to not be able to run temporarily than to not run for life.
AIYAHHHHH.
i feel useless if i get sent/fetched around. --.

blah i feel that something is wrong when i'm too free. -.- TV TIME!

`7:14 PM__;

Monday, March 27, 2006

i didnt sleep till 2+last night i think.
i couldnt sleep.
and i went to bed hours before that.

anyway, i think i dont like going to bed nowadays because for some reason, i dont seem to look forward to the next day.

"you're too cute to pass of as an 18 year old."
"your voice is too cute."
HAHA. does that sound crappy or what.

"stubborn" how can you call me that for such a reason.
i feel insulted/angered. i dont mind the word but i mind the reason.
and i know i should be grateful, but i'm annoyed. "DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANNOT DO" she said.
and my classmate said i was lucky to be picked up.
and i didnt want to be picked up.

it makes me feel handicap. I AM NOT A BAIKAH ANYMORE.
its now in the process of healing. but stilL!!! >=(
its just a few min walk. i want to take TIBS transport!
i feel guilty when i see ppl having to walk more, take a longer time just to get home when i can just get a ride home like this. i got home at 3.15 ok! so early! =/

and now i'm kinda sleepy but i'm waiting for the rain to go away so that i can swim, right now the crossies must be running or maybe waiting the rain out at mac ritchie?
i feel like a piece of me gets torn away each time i miss training.
and no i'm not exaggerating.

you make me feel like a somebody. that is why you are a somebody too! :)

`4:25 PM__;

Saturday, March 25, 2006

i'm weak.
i'm tired. (finally)

but i seem to have this problem with insomnia. esp this week.
and i dont think its a bio clock problem.

i just dont want to do work.
i dont want to go to bed.
i dont want to do anything.
and it is during times like these when i just want to break (as in broken break not rest break), i feel really vulnerable.

`11:50 PM__;

i answered the phone.

i hear...
"again?!"
".... you so thickskinned"
"2-3weeks you hear me?"
me(reluctantly) : "mm."

:'(

do i suck or do i suck? i'm an idiot.
sorry b div, coach, TNg. i'm a lousy student.

`1:02 PM__;

Friday, March 24, 2006

for some weird reason, i enjoy looking at the protruding veins on my forearms.
and my shin.
and my feet (only after 12km runs which i miss very much.)

i brought 2 friends over today. (hoi yan and tifft)
watched commonwealth games instead of the intended studying. -.-"
but it was quite funny making noise at the tv when we try to cheer for one side. hahaha. x)

should do the same for world cup. HAHAHA. but it'll be serious-study-for-prelims period.
at least with one subject less - chinese.

iwanttoruniwanttoruniwanttorun i must do self runs when my ankle heals. even if its after natls.

`10:24 PM__;

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

hmM! i'm starting to have thoughts about closing down.

i think i talk too much.

and.
i think i should have 1hour of tv every week when i study for o's.
it'll considered under catergory: REST/RECREATION/LEISURE.

because i'm gonna spend that hour watch sg idol! HAHHA. =X

anyway. i feel like a better person this week. x)
but, erjie's staying over for now = 1 week of sleeping in air con = 7 days of non-stop sneezing. >.<"
well, i think its nice seeing her though we dont really talk much since i only see her at night, and i realise that hearing the tv from my bedroom can be rather disturbing. =/ but oh well, i'm sure i can get used to it eventually. x)

`4:55 PM__;

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

everytime i think about it, i break down into tears.
i feel like i dont work hard enough, i feel like a failure.
or at least, i've failed wayy to often.

i need to overcome my this new fear of nervousness, which NEVER FAILS to happen everytime in an exam.
especially piano, its so easy to make mistakes when you're nervous.

my piano teacher said i could actually play better than this other student of hers who passed grade 8.
and well, i dont like to waste money, and i dont seem to be learning from my mistakes.
BECAUSE I AM SO LAZY.

the same goes for everything i do,
i realise that people say i am capable of doing better things than the way i do them now

piano - either too rush, or too careless.
maths - forever blind/careless.

so when was the last time i did something well without stupid mistakes?
i'll tell you, it was when i wasnt this emotional, when i was primary school. shhhhhhhhhhhiiiiit.
and at that time, i didnt take detail of EVERY SINGLE TINY THING THAT EXISTED ON THIS EARTH. maybe thats why i find chem easy to study for. -.-

soemtimes i wonder whether i want to be a strong person (can be metally/physically) and well, for those who've read EOTP, the strong must learn to be lonely. i'm somewhat a rather lonely person, but i think sometimes i really crave for attention. and i can survive being lonely, but sometimes its not a very ncie feeling when you're unoccupied and everyone around you is entertained by someone. but i guess sometimes i really do enjoy doing things alone. =/

actually (i dont mean to be ego) but one thing i really have to be thankful for is that, people tell me i can achieve things better than i am/was currently doing. they actually believe in me, i cant be this serious let down to them, but it doesnt seem to motivate me enough to become better. ~~I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT~~ but i think after this hols, i feel like my discipline's gone up again. =) so i still got some hope. x) and if it werent for these people, i'd probably have less faith in myself. and it also made me realise i didnt think i had actually succeeded in being able to make a difference in their life.

at least i know i'm not useless on this earth. =/ hur. i shall go do work now.

`5:22 PM__;

Sunday, March 19, 2006

HAH! it is not yet 11 and i am ready for bed. ^^
ok lah i didnt do a few things i wanted to do by today, but its ok, i'm still on the safe side for now. -.-" feels good cancelling EVERYTHING off my holiday-hwk list. (except reading 4 chpts and looking through the book i've already read & chinese tuition) but heck. MATHS IS DONE! bwahaha.

this hols makes me feel more disciplined. ^^
ok fine. maybe more hardworking, lol, the time management is still bad.

now i wonder how am i gonna sleep tonight. -.-" i woke up at 11.30. oops.

`10:55 PM__;

i was suddenly reminded of this one camp i attended at the end of p6.
everyone said i smiled alot.

now i think about it, i find it very contrasting to what i am today.
unless i really still do smile alot without knowing. o.o

anyway, yes its past 12 but i've been sleeping earlier since that day i slept at 5.
but i dont think i should go to bed now, i was planning to go to bed then i realised how much work i'll have to do tmr.
so i thought, I MUST DO SOMETHING NOW.

i hope i dont have to go out tmr.
and i dont want to see the doctor! :SSSSS i know i have to. :(

to do list:
- zhou ji (mon)
- chinese tuition (wed)
- ss wsht (tues)
- a math paper 1 & 2 (LAST BIT OF MATH! :D) (by no-idea-when)
- look through chinese book. (mon.)
- pack my bag. :S (mon)
- read 1st 4 chpts of other chinese book (fri.)

and i intend to finish the first 5 by the time i go to bed tmr. which i hope wont be very late.
HMM.
must plan my time. yesyesyes.
i have done my hwk in my bedroom, living room, dining table.
and i have my work left around ALL over the place. will take quite a while to pack. =/
got alot of stuff to bring to school too i think. >.<"

i cant believe i'm spending 7 days of my march hols with hwk.
and crap. i know i'm courting death..
or maybe if i put it in another way, i'm stretching myself.
no wait thats still bad. i look forward to term 2.

oo. my dad just asked me to watch mr bean with him. O.o byebye.

`12:23 AM__;

Friday, March 17, 2006

wpeoifm;lwke;fimp4eir i've been sleeping in the early mornings the past few days. T_T

oh screw it. i've never EVER done math revision/extra work on my own, this timetable from sch is considered revision, i've only done test papers given to me by teachers. in pri sch, i'd just do these assessments/testpapers from my mum. now it feels so weird.. if i find i deprove after revision, i'd just go berserrrrk. but hopefully not lah. x)

hahaha oh well i feel slightly more accomplished, and i looked through my chinese hwk, only got 2-3 more major stuff to do by next week. other than the wbk which i've done already.
- zhou ji
- look through for book test on mon.
- read the first 4 chpts.
--> and there's SS, more math and chinese tuition.

something is wrong with my darling kessie. T_T my old girl got this unknown wound on her back! :((

`11:39 AM__;

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

whoa. i just finished another 40 laps today. (without erjie. :()
i think i'm courting death. X_X my arms are gonna ache again.

today i swam faster! monday i finished 20 laps in 1 hour. -.-"
today i finished 30 laps in 1 hour. (its still not very fast actually) -.-"

oh well. what to do. never swam like this for so long.
feels quite good. i started at 5 today.. and i got a tan! LOL.
then again ytd at rj 3-5 was like DAMN HOT!
but i dont have much of a watch mark though. =/
and i havent done much work for today.
just now during tuition, i had this sudden "crave" to watch ranma half (a hilarious jap anime i used to watch in sec 1-2) :(
oh well. i better start work soon. =/

`6:44 PM__;

i'm having friends who are turning 16. or have already turned 16.
AHH i cant believe it. I'M TURNING 16 THIS YEAR!
well. i still have until O levels are over till i convince myself. i AM going to turn 16 this year. -.-"

hahahaha. anyway, i swam for 2 hours on monday.

good thing my arms and legs dont ache anymore. my first 2 laps were quite creepy. i could hear my legs cracking here and there in the water while i was kicking.
ahahhaha.

i realise i'm gonna spend my holiday doing maths.
maths.
maths.
tiny bit of SS, physics and chinese. (which is the hwk.)
i dont intend to be ego, but i find it quite useless to spend revision on my best subject rather than to focus on my other weaker subjects. ptp2i4poi5p23o4.

THERE'S SO MUCH MATHS! daily work for maths. goshhhh.
then what do i do on sunday? heymath. T_T
lol i miss being an owl. i woke up at 12.45 today.
i think my I becomes higher when i'm stressed / tired. i was so high talking about shitalogy/faecology to tiff at 10+, and to cao yu at 12+.

my ankle is still swollen :S and the bone still hurts! =/
but my orh-cheh is fading off already and and and and I WANNA RUN.. T_T
i feel like some lazy ass knowing that thatt natls is in like 1 month and here i am. swimming like nobody''s business.
i cannot compare running to swimming.
running, the surrounding is just AIR, and the solid ground.
swimming, the surround is WATER which is of higher density.
later gonna swim with erjie. :D i kinda miss doing things with her.

bleh, i'll be nice and go scan physics tys for class chair now.
i feel like i'm doing it cos i owe it to her. =/
i'm so mean. :(
okok got tuition in 1 hour and i havent changed.

`1:01 PM__;

Sunday, March 12, 2006

i gave some thought about it.
actually if i get someone to swim with me i'll just swim alone knowing that there's someone else i know in the pool with me. hahaha.
thats how the company helps. but that person must be feeling rather useless to be there. =/

ok lah. so tmr i'll swim by myself. and i intend to swim longer than the given 30-40min.
i'm thinking... 1 hour? depends how many laps i swim and whether i'm satisfied. i'll swim till i'm satisfied! cant to think of it, i dont really know how to do freestyle. so tmr will just be a nightmare of 1hour swimming many many laps of a stroke i wasnt really taught properly on.
wow. heeheheheheheee.
i'm gonna peel/pull off my 3 stickers tmr! part of one of them came out already. its pulling out my leg hair! omg it hurt like mad. i'm gonna lose some leg hair tmr. :( and then it'll grow back thicker. >.<"
ok i just finished e math paper 1 (with 3 more math papers to go -.-") and i'll go to bed now. byebye. :)

`11:49 PM__;

URGHHHHHHHHH. i'm really pissedddddd. i only slept for 8hours last night. T_T (that's just a minor reason)

they want me to rest my foot.
i WANT to rest my foot.

then after lunch they choose to walk around blah blah blah and then i get scolded for walking with erjie there.
sheesssshhh. it wouldnt make much a difference if i just took bus home and walk somemore right.

and i cannot run for a week. but i can walk for hours around town?! -.-
the next time i run will probably be during the race. >.<" its a living nightmare knowing i cant run when i'm fit. esp at a time like thissssss.
AND. in addition to that nightmare, they make it sound like i'm courting death if i go swimming. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. whatever lahhhhh. somehow, someway, i will be able to swim tomorrow. (and maybe alone without erjie :( ) i hate crying. >=(

i will go shower and do my hwk. T_T

`6:26 PM__;

Friday, March 10, 2006

after sch, my mum picked me up to some chinese sinsehhhhh.
funniest but most painful massage i ever had. i was crying in pain but at the same time laughing. he helped bring the swelling down. :)
then i found out no running for a week! then i burst out crying.

then later i found out that I CAN SWIM! :D
but then the sinsei put 3 stickers on my foot which has to remain there for 3 days so i cant swim until monday. sheesshhhhh.
i was really looking forward to running tmr. BAH i'm so angry with myself for being so blind and careless and eouit0n3u04vu304u. i have no idea what to feel regretful about. i just find it a really stupid reason to have a sprained ankle at the GREATEST TIMING. grr.

@#$%^&*!!!! and i got tons of holiday hwk mainly filled with math (A & E) and chinese and a not-as-big percentage from physics.
:((((((( i fell sick at the end dec, end jan and i was so happy i didnt fall sick at the end of feb. then i sprain my ankle in place of falling sick! i'm skipping one training. (cos i cant swim till 3days later)

gosh. and now i even have to shower with my foot in a plastic bag! X_X
ahh piano tmr. i must have confidence! o.o

`6:44 PM__;

Thursday, March 09, 2006

hello.
i feel so clumsy and careless. of all places to fall in the interval, at the end right next to the lampost BECAUSE I WAS SO BLIND and i just fell like that. it'd be more understandble if i fell along the slope.. but the lampost!?!

skipped my 2nd interval. but the rest of it wasnt too bad i think.
now my ankle is swollen.
it has made my already-big ankle BIGGER. >.<"
i might have to go to school in slippers tmr =/ (my sandals are lost :S)
and my mum wants to bandage it and rub it with chinese medicine (which is 100% against mr q's article about icing injuries) she says its sprained. :( my first time with a sprained ankle - it makes me feel vulnerable. =/

all this because i was clumsy/careless/blind and i fell at the end of my FIRST interval.
sheesh. i feel like a handicap now. -.-

on a lighter note, i think my chem teacher is reallly nice. despite the fact that she's always on time is really scary, she's really kind. she gave me one more mark for the benefit of doubt in chem test. makes me sound REALLY greedy for marks. -.-" but aiya i'm quite happy with it already. =)

i hope i can run this sat! i've got my piano exam too. :S ahh it really makes me nervous. gotta go for 3hour lesson tmr so i cant watch netball finals :( but oh well, it just means that i AM going to do well for piano! (i hope ^^ heehee.)
i shall go to bed as soon as my hair dries.

`9:46 PM__;

Monday, March 06, 2006

edit: RUN such that you'll say, "training rocked today" or "i had a great run".

i am so tired of talking.
annoyed, frustrated. whatever lah.
i find that i succeed better when i choose to leave myself from my friends.
ohh someone drill these 1000 holes into my head.
ouch. maybe you should make it a million.

`6:36 PM__;

Sunday, March 05, 2006

bah. i forgot to bring my geog notes home and i spent 3 hours just trying to print them out.
now out of the 110 pages in the textbook, i've covered more than 10 pages.
come on ME. at least 5 hours to finish the 100 pages! [plan: average 20pages/hour. hurhur. inclusive of shower, dinner, pack bag and so on.]
then again.
i woke up at 11 today. about 21hours for the past 2 nights! =/
that goes to show i've finally had enough rest. i think. x)

yes. and i must stop taking breaks. goodbye.

RUN such that you wont look back and say," gosh i sucked." or "bad run today"
every mistake is but another lesson. AND MAKE SURE YOU LEARN FROM IT.
keep up with that undying crossie spirit.
----> and in order to do that you must have enough rest such that you'll be prepared for training, stay positive, focus, blahblahblah. AND WHOA! you make every run you've ever had worthwhile. :D

`5:42 PM__;

Saturday, March 04, 2006

hello! anyone who reads this must note: I write contrasting + ironic entries.

today i'm happy.
hahahahha.
ok lah everyone must have felt happy and sad before.
-.-"

today i listened to music on my windows media player after WEEEEEEEEKS of not listening to any music (other than american idol).
heh. i'm so outdated. -.-"
btw, i listened to "bad day" by daniel powter. i hope i dont have a bad day. its a race day! :S
ok i'm paranoid i shall listen to "perfect day" by hoku to balance the odds of having a bad day. =X

i didnt get my 12 hours of sleep.. -.-
11pm - 9+am, 10+am
gosh i still havent changed. and i even succeeded doing chem assignment 4 eventhough i forgot to bring my textbook home. :D but i cant assure that all my ans are correct.
gah i think i failed physics! :'( you know i even got "tutored" for that chpt.
bah. ok anw i think its better to study by myself.
i just need people to give me work to do from tys or something. (ok lah i lack motivation for that. >.<")

AHH. you know in the past 24 hours. i was thankful for a few people.
very thankful. but its not everyday that i feel they rock. heh. -.-" (but its not like i can make someone's life rock 24/7)
so anyway, ytd, i forgot to get the geog notes! and class chair actually scanned ALL 13 PAGES and sent it to me. (test on tues) i was so somewhat "touched" and so glad. and SHE ROCKS.
and cos of audrey for sending me that song i even said she rocks too. hahaha. ytd during chem i was playing with highlighters trying to draw on her.
-.-" reminded me of p6. i still like to dirty people with ink. -.-" instead of paying attention during chem/chinese. =/

gosh. i havent changed. (as usual) and good thing today nobody disrupted me from my sleep. :D
YAY. i see improvement. or it must mean that people are afraid to ask me after hearing me complaining indirectly on how they disrupted my sleep the last time. hahaha oops.

ok, things to do:
- chinese wsht (mon)
- physics graph + tys + wsht X_X (mon)
- study chem prac (tues)
- chinese tuition (wed)
- ss wbk (fri)
- e math paper 1 (after march hols)
- STUDY GEOG (!!!!! tues)
- STUDY THEORY (!!!!!!!!! sat)

within the next 2-3 days. i must do chinese wsht, physics and study chem prac tonight if possible. and i hope i dont go out tmr so that i can spend my day with geog. maybe 12 hours or something. 110 pages! :S

ok i havent changed and i'm supposed to leave in about 15-30min time. AHH suddenly time flies to fast. lol. ok maybe i'm kidding. i've slept so much i think i want to go back to bed! hahaha okok. i've slept long enough already lah. :) who am i kidding.

`12:04 PM__;

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

~~suddenly i feel as though no one on this earth can be trusted.~~
~~maybe my teachers are exceptions. they've been really nice actually. though some like __ are idiotic.~~
~~i feel as though i'm gonna leave mg without any friends. :(~~

seriously what the hell is wrong with me.. why am i such an asshole.

i wish i could receive the caning i once got when i was younger.
i actually quite enjoyed showing off my bruises then.
but no. i need the pain.

this punishment's worse. it doesnt hurt at all. ~~someone please help me. i beg you, strangle/suffocate me, torture me physically, cane me till i bleed. PLEASE i beg you PLEASE. my life might probably just be ruined if you dont.~~ PLEASE.

`7:00 PM__;