maple leaves.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

AND.. i'm *sorry* i refuse to spare a thought for you because i dont think you deserve it. BLEH. >:p curse at me if you must. i still see you as you.

lol. hello. the weather has been really awkward lately. some ppl have been really awkward lately [eg. yours truly] and my nose seems abit awkward too.

suddenly.. a change in my lifestyle.. coming home early to eat rubbish for lunch and not having proper trainings... not to forget about the fact that i've actually been studying 1 chpt every night.

and i cant seem to tahan when i sleep at 12 almost everynight.. =/ i fell aslp in class ytd which i havent done in a long time.. and i got caught -.- but i didnt sleep today. :)

my smses might actually exceed again.. >.<" haiyo.
i lost my dear pencil.. :( i want to use it during exams!!

MAN I CANT WAIT FOR EXAMS TO BE OVER.. I'M SOSOSOSOSO EXCITED!! ^^

hahaha ok. have a nice day. :)

`5:24 PM__;

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

bleh i got b3 for chinese AGAIN. man my chinese is like seriously laopok this year.. :( AHH i have to HAVE TO HAVE TO doo wellL!!!! and i wanna aim for at least an a2. =/ eeks. >.<"

anyhow.
i'm *sorry* i dont side with everybody else.
i'm *sorry* that i dont wish to support you.
i'm *sorry* that i dont think you can do it.
i'm sorry that i find you an asshole.

-.- everytime i try to make myself upset over something.. something good always seems to happen the day after and i cant be sad as much as i want to.

if i didnt meet those 3 kind souls today.. i'd be having a bad day.. but now..
I'M OVER THE MOOONNNN!!!!!!!!!!! WWHHHEEEE..!!

ok. but good times dont last.. bad times dont last either. hahaha. xD

i have high aims for my mid years.. and i know its not impossible in reaching them but i seem rather confident in getting careless mistakes.. =/
no matter. somehow i suddenly dont feel like taking these careless mistakes seriously this time though it does [and will] affect me ALOT.

okok i gtg.

`5:06 PM__;

Monday, April 18, 2005

i had the sudden urge to cry.

i am afraid.

afraid of not getting there though it hasnt even started.

afraid of not being able to show how much i want it in my head

afraid of not being able to show all my determination.

afraid of letting them and myself down.

i've done this. i've done that. i dunno if my heart was there or not..

i'm not happy. :( but i want to get there. i HAVE to.

`6:05 PM__;

Sunday, April 17, 2005

i dont feel good.
not physically though.

but i'm worried for a few ppl.. =/ and i dont really know how to help. and i'm not doing any good to myself either. >.<"
well. i was supposed to start studying today. and i'm gonna push it to tmr. >.<"
i was supposed to finish my hwk today and i only completed 2 out of 5. [the rest are all chinese sch + tuition hwk -.-"]

tmr my mum's going overseas again. BLEH. i dont like it when my parents go overseas.. =/ though i dont see them at home often..
and i'm gonna go ntuc tmr with my dad i think.

you think i can finish all my work tmr? i hope i can. its not impossible.
I MUST WAKE UP EARLY AHHH.

EEE. i'm not happy with myself.
today.. i realised i'm really pushing away piano like no body's business.. i havent missed a single lesson.. SO WHAT?! i still havent mastered my 3 pieces and its more than a year already! my exams are in 5 MONTHS and i'm still playing like shit. WHAT AM I DOING?! ARGH. >:(

and what kind of dog owner am i?! i didnt ask for them but i dont hate them either. :(

and its not just that. i dont think i shld try helping ppl.. everytime i try to. i realise something is still not right. but then there are those idiotic few who really need help and when you give them your help they seem to take it for granted and try to seek more attention from others = waste of MY time.

i dont like ppl to tell me things indirectly. it just makes me feel so insulted. well.. thanks for letting me know i'm worthless. TELL IT STRAIGHT TO MY FACE NEXT TIME OK?!

if you didnt understand that.. i must be talking cock already. goodnight.

`12:25 AM__;

Thursday, April 14, 2005

helloo. i've had a bad *past 2 weeks* when it comes to receiving test papers. yupyup. so disappointing. whats the use of studying when all i ever do is make careless mistakes?! then again at least there was nothing i didnt know how to do.

but anw ya. i was seriously upset. and today.. i think i got the lowest in class for SS. urgh. >:( i'm not happy ABOUT THAT.

but on the whole.. i feel somewhat happy right now. its amazing how some ppl can make you happy. :)

natls was yesterday. and i didnt rest my butt from the time i left the canteen till natls ended. didnt think i'd be walking as slow as my erjie.. lol. felt so dead when i got home.. but ya lah i know i didnt run.. -.-"

oh well.. i'm still quite tired. but what the heck. i'm filing up my wshts.. and then gonna pack.. and blah..

we changed our seats today. I'M SITTING AWAY FROM THE DOOR. 2ND ROW. why?! why 2nd row.. =/ am i that bad? WHY AWAY FROM THE DOOR. does she want me to walk longer everytime i step into the classroom?!
ok i'm not mad. there's still some nice ppl around me. haha.. but no audrey to check math answers with.. :( i'm gonna miss her man.. she has high tolerance of my impatience!

no lessons tmr.. :) quite relieved.. *yawn* ok i'm gonna pack after this.. and then sleep..

anw. exams coming soon.. =/
ooh my. i've been feeling excited about almost everything lately.. -.-" [tests, natls, exams, hols.. etc.]
byebye.

`11:16 PM__;

Sunday, April 10, 2005

i came home after 7.30 on wed and thurs. came home at 10 on friday. never got a chance to catch up on sleep this whole week and i've been running for dunno how many consecutive days. i've also got tests on monday tuesday and wednesday and i still have undone hwk. i'll come home late on monday. tuesday gotta stay back and wed i'm coming home late. thurs i have chinese tuition and i have to add her hwk under my list of hwk to do TODAY. i think.. or maybe i can squeeze it in on tues? O.o

I AM TIRED. I WANT TO SLEEP. >:(

anyhow. shall blog about FRIDAY. those taiwanese are kinda cute ppl.. heh. but i think they have weird styles when it comes to designing neoprints. -.- but they're super fast at that! i mean like they've already added something on the pics and they still have like 400+seconds lor. so fast. >.<"

they're also super good shoppers.. 3hrs 2 shops and if i'm not wrong.. 3hrs 2 SMALL shops. -.- pro. they're really friendly ppl anw.. and seem super frank in what they do and how they treat others.. they were like treating this one like a maid and called her names.. but i guess its just for fun la.. they do show their gratitude to her and hug her and all.. x)

then after we left their hotel.. we walked to NIE bus stop lol.. it was quite near really. x) then i had to run after 186 when i was going home.. didnt wanna wait for the next bus [like on wednesday. X_X]

had to carry my bag all over the place and it was extra heavy on friday lah! came home with my shoulders aching.. reminded me of OBS. actually on thurs my collar bone/shoulder area was already aching. =/ but on the whole.. i had fun on friday. :)

oh well. i'm still very tired and i think i will go sleep as soon as i shower. zzZZz.

`9:20 AM__;

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

hmm.. if i'm not wrong.. i'd say my day in school went by pretty well today. :)
the maths test was also pretty easy. i'd kill myself if i minused any marks out of stupidity/carelessness. =/ but really. my day in school did went by quite well. :)

training was cancelled. =X rain... X_X after the rain i ran with sheryl for about 12mins taking all the short cuts.. there so many puddles! >.<" sheryl lost her wallet.. :( and there were many many many MANY schools at turf city today. at least 9 i think.

the bad part.. most idiotic most.. !!! part about it all was after training..
i decided to wait for 970 cos i havent been walking back from the mrt for a long time and was kinda lazy to walk extra long if i took 961.
6 67s
4 154s,
3 852s, 77s, 961s, 171s, 174s, 151s, 74s
2 66s, 170s
went by before 970 came. AMAZING right? if i'm not wrong i waited from about 6.34 to 7.18pm and i was walking down the slope of turf city when 970 went by - i missed the previous bus. -.- @#$%^&*!!!! should have taken the first 961 back. i would've been home by 7.15 confirm. i didnt get home till around 7.45. and today.. i really waited until the sky turned dark. -.-

its been raining alot lately.. :(

monday when i walked up the slope to school i saw a rat across the drain. eeks.
at the guard house i saw mynahs [early at 6.50am ok] feeding on BIG HUGE flying ants/insects that were so stuck to the pillar. and i mean like usually when you go near a bird it'll fly away.. but these birds didnt! they just ate those insects like nobody's business and it kinda freaked me out that they didnt fly away when i walked passed them.. it was so unlike them. =/
that day when i walked down the slope.. i saw a dead lizard.
today i saw a dead green snake on the slope up towards turf city.
i saw a toad while doing the *warm up*.

yuck. whats it with me and seeing these animals i rarely see at the places i usually go to? cos of the rain??

trg postponed to tmr after heats 2...
i dunno what to feel about it/look forward to it.
nvm i shall just let it come by me and not think about it. cos i DONT KNOW what to think.

anw i must still continue on my FOCUS thingy for the rest of the next 2 years.. excluding those holidays.. x) today's day 1. o.o

ok.. time to go to bed. live a life. be busy.
oh my i think i'm coming home late again tmr. =/
goodnight. :)

`10:19 PM__;

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

hello again.

i've been finishing my hwk in school. suddenly no hwk for me in 2 straight days! AHH I'M NOT USED TO IT.
it must be some sign to tell me to start planning my *study-timetable* for the exams.
but you know what. i didnt do anything about it. eeks. i dunno how am i gonna study! X__X
then again i think i know roughly how. O.o

this week of getting back some test papers left me real upset. but i'm quite happy with chem anw. of all tests to fail first - a math. ARR. *not happy* i have no intention of failing any other test/exam for the rest of the year. hmph. i've scored pretty low for physics and the previous math/amath test. bah. suddenly i feel real stupid for being careless.

i know what i did wrong. they say you can learn from your mistakes. well.. i knew what mistake was without having to learn from it. but how do you learn from a careless mistake?! how do i PREVENT myself from a careless mistake?! its happened WAY TOO MANY TIMES and i havent been able to learn how to stop making too many careless mistakes. BAH. i dont care. i'm gonna make sure and hope i do really really really WELL for ALL tests. >:(

oh man oh man oh man. what am i doing to myself. :S
OK. starting from tmr onwards...
- do not take things for granted [DONT DONT DONT DONT]
- FOCUS!
- spare a thought for my other commitments [eg. PIANO!]
- FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

you know recently for devotions there was this thing about how pressure reveals one's true colours.. and i realised that i am a real meanie no nice person. and SUPER IMPATIENT.
ok now i shall curse myself for being stupid/making stupid mistakes/being the bad person that i am.
~~i am an idiot. real asshole. real blockhead. real screwed up piece of crap and bullshit.~~ ~~and a real slut and bitch and a BIG ASSHOLE. ARRR~~

YAY now i feel better. x)
ok TMR will be the day i become REAL GOOD. and have the attitude i had at the start of the year. :)

okay. have a nice day. goodbye. goodnight. :) :)

`10:01 PM__;

Sunday, April 03, 2005

hellooo. its super late for a sunday night now. but what to do? i woke up about 12hrs ago. >.<"

anw i think i'm done with my book reviews and oral presentation. hopefully i wont need my books again. yep. supposed to return my books today but it was quite dark then and my parents were out.. anw the due date's tmr.. so i think i'll just pop by the library after trg. i think i'll be super tired. -.-" hopefully trg doesnt end too late and that i dont have lots of hwk.. =/

this week's gonna be a busy week. i think i should start planning on my study timetable or at least have it in my head or something. exams are coming so SOON! eeks.

this weekend felt super normal though it was as special as the others.. but i dunno lah maybe cos every weekend is so special that now it feels so normal. --.

ok. i shall go pack my bag and force myself to sleep. goodnight. :)

`11:49 PM__;

Saturday, April 02, 2005

omg. i dunno why i'm blogging abt it but i'm gonna tell the whole world something i dont think they should know.
i think my mum is POWERFUL.
i've been awake for abt 1 hr and shes been on the phone since i got out of the toilet.. and within that 1 hour she's spoken to about 5ppl already NON-STOP. and now she's telling her friend on the house phone to hold on cause someone is calling her from her handphone. X_X
oops.
oh yah i woke up with 2 single eyelids today. =/

`1:26 PM__;

Friday, April 01, 2005

OH I AM SO BORED. i have things to do. need to finish my last book [which i doubt i can] i keep falling asleep everytime i start reading 4 pgs of it or something. >.<" well i think i already know roughly what i can say about it - BORING. -.-" aiyah nvm i shall try reading it after this post till 10pm and go sleep. i wanna sleep for 12 hrs then go for piano. ^^

then again i change my mind. i wanna wake up at 10.30. so i shall read it till 10.30. x)

and this is what i have done to myself recently.
-i can see i'm starting to take more things for granted
-eiptuiov wot4ow8478ou7o!!!!! @#$%^&*!!!!!!!

and in school i actually get comments like.. "so smart." "so disciplined" except for a some exceptional comments.. haha.
and at home.. "stupid", "careless", "dumb" and "not disciplined enough"

the comments of school and home are kinda opposite right..
yah my family knows me best. ^^ not that i'm saying my friends are stupid though.. -.-" BUT.. theres also things that i actually agree on.. in school - quiet. sneeze too much. sleep alot.
at home - talk too much. [can be real irritant.] -.-"

oh well. i'm getting satisfied/contented easily. i mean in a way its good cos we should like appreciate everything we have and all but i think it's kinda bad when it comes to running or i'll never improve. i'm actually quite happy with today's workout cos there was actually some pressure! havent had that in ages ok. i was the only one who didnt hit timings [2 timings to be more specific] but i'm actually quite happy.

it makes me wonder if thats good. i mean better than last time of cos i would be happy lah but the last time i didnt run until wanna die.. >.<" i dunno lah.obviously next time must do better lah.. but i'm not crying [which can be good/bad] and i'm actually quite happy but i dont think i should. cos i think i should have higher expectations for myself though i always dont. -.-"

and there's something else similar that is actually happening to me now!

today was quite a funny day in TOA PAYOH. next time i wont use the NE line there anymore. i feel so dumb as to just realise that only. -.- oh well. lesson finally learnt. :) and the library bit and the april's fool --- BLEH. cant be bothered lah.

had a nice nap in the bus to TCHS. felt so tired just before warm up.. slept so much! >.<" actually in the bus right.. i woke up at mac ritchie telling sarah" eh get up..!" then i realised everyone was still sitting down and i rmbed trg was at TCHS! -.-" and sarah told me that she thought trg was at turf city.. hahahaha. x)

ok. time to get back some focus.. or maybe starting from next week onwards. heh. [sign of procastination. >.<"] i'm feeling so lazy i just wanna do ALL My work over the weekend. >.<" compared to the beginning of the year when i made myself do my hwk on fridays and sat.. [which i never did before] it shows how slack/back-to-normal i have become. :( or maybe its just cos i dont like that hwk thats why. -.-"

well my mind thinks better than last time.. but my actions.. are about the same. =/ my sleeping times in school - ALOT BETTER. xD

something really struck me today. by right i shldnt feel sorry for this person.. but i really do.. and i hate feeling sorry for her cos its like looking down on her. but honestly speaking.. i really really respect her for all her achievements and all that she has done. she usually has understandable reasons for flaring up so i never blamed her.. but all these bad things that happen to her is like really suay lah! i dont think she deserves it at all and i cant help but feel bad about it. its as if she's done something wrong/bad in life [which is very unlike her] and she really seems to be suffering alot.. but aiyah i cant just butt into other ppl's lives.. =/

anyhow. i've had some thoughts on how everything i do is actually ALL FOR MYSELF. i mean it does sound kinda greedy.. but i realised its quite true.
- i do it well so that i can do well in it.
- i do well in a team so that my team can do well - and so i get a good mark too!
- i do it well cos its the only way i know to survive on an earth with such people without having to lie my way through.
- i do well in everything i do - cos it ALL reflects on my personality
but it takes hard work + effort to do well. >.<"

i am tired. bye.

`9:29 PM__;